Pilot’s Unaired Lines
Rivers’ Fashion Report: Week 1
Michael Bluth Named New President
George Bluth, Sr. Arrested
Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz.
Michael: I’d love to call it an imposition.
G.O.B.: We’re in trouble here, Michael. And I can’t perform my magic. I’m getting blackballed from even the smaller venues.
Birthday Party Man: I’ll be honest— I’m just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.
G.O.B.: Aw. Give ’em a hell of a show, champ.
Teen Magician: (bleep) off, traitor.
Maeby: Can you believe this? They’re still fighting.
George Michael: Yeah, I know. I’m tempted to kiss again just so we can teach them a lesson.
Maeby: And why would that teach them a lesson?
George Michael: Oh, I mean, to freak them out.
Maeby: Yeah? But that doesn’t make any sense.
George Michael: Well, isn’t that what makes it funny? I’m laughing. Go fish. Uno.
Michael: Well, I’m sorry. It’s just too late. I’m moving to Phoenix. I got a job. Something you apply for, and then they pay you to, uh... never mind. I don’t want to ruin the surprise.
Michael: So no hard feelings? Adios, sayonara. I’ll see you when the first parent dies.
Lucille: Well, I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.
Tobias: Touché. Touché.
G.O.B.: Too good.
Michael: George Michael, grab the coat.
Lindsay: I think Dad would really want you to help us out he, Michael.
Michael: Dad’s in jail. Here we go.
Lindsay: Well, the least you could do is say good-bye to him.
Narrator: In fact, Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest, and he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.
Michael: I quit.
George, Sr.: Probably a good career move.
Michael: You know, I parked in the same spot for the last five years. I was there on time every single day.
George, Sr.: Mike...
Michael: I was so loyal, I worked so hard. Why didn’t you just put me in charge?
George, Sr.: Michael, listen to me. These guys, the SEC, they’ve been after me for years. I put you in charge, you’re going to be wearing one of these orange jumpsuits, too.
Michael: I could’ve helped you if you’d told me.
George, Sr.: You’d be an accomplice. No, it had to be your mom. They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah? I don’t think that that’s true, Dad.
George, Sr.: Really? I’ve got the worst (bleep)ing attorneys!
Narrator: With Michael leaving town, Lindsay decided to take inventory of the family’s last remaining asset—their model home.
Lindsay: What are you doing?
George Michael: I’m packing up. What are you doing?
Lindsay: Well, just looking for... you. To say good-bye to you.
George Michael: Going to miss you guys.
Lindsay: Oh, well, we’ll come out and see you in... Yeah, we’ll miss you, too.
George Michael: It’s been nice having you guys around. You know, to talk to. Since Mom died, it’s been kind of lonely. I just wish we could all stay here.
Michael: I... I need a hand with the van, please.
George Michael: Okay.
Michael: Sorry. Well, I guess he really misses his family.
Lindsay: Well, he doesn’t know us very well.
