Episode Transcript
Written by Chuck Martin.
Narrator: Buster had recently brought the rock home from an archaeological dig, but had yet to find a way to get it out of the car.
Michael: Mom, you’ve already got two strikes on your record. You strike one more person and it’s technically a spree.
Lucille: Are we going to the back? Is this what I think it is? Surprise!
Narrator: And she was surprised...
Narrator: ... that her family didn’t show up.
Lucille: So this is what my children think of me.
Television: (Theme to My Mother the Car) ...More fiction than a fact / ’Cause believe it or not, / my mother dear / Decided she’d come back... / as a car
Michael: Where the (bleep) was everybody?
G.O.B.: What are you talking about?
Michael: Mom’s party, where were you guys?
G.O.B.: It’s the first I’ve heard about it.
Michael: What about you? Neiman’s?
Lindsay: Prison. Then Neiman’s. But only because I’m going back to prison, and they’ve already seen me in this.
Michael: Buster? You of all people. Where were you, buddy? You barely even leave Mom’s apartment.
Narrator: In fact, Buster was worried about running into Lucille 2, so he never left his mother’s apartment. Lucille 2 was also supposed to go, but was waiting until she saw Buster emerge.
Michael: Tonight, Mother was humiliated. And I want to throw her another surprise party, a real one, one where she’s not the one that’s yelling “Surprise.”
Lindsay: Mom yelled “surprise”?
Michael: Yeah, she went from giddy to devastated. I mean, it would have been funny if it wasn’t so... No, it was kind of funny.
G.O.B.: What frail act got you this time, Michael? She couldn’t open a jar? What, did a clump of her hair come out in your hand?
Michael: No, it was something that she said at dinner.
Restaurant is playing a Muzak version of the Buster/Lucille music.
Lucille: It’s dry.
Michael: You know, Mom, I’m sorry you’re upset, but, you know, if you were nicer then maybe your kids would take better care of you, you know? Or want to be with you more.
Lucille: I’ve been a horrible mother.
Michael: No, Mom, you’re great. You’ve been a great mother.
G.O.B.: Well, you know she’s been a horrible mother, right?
Michael: You don’t have to tell me, but what was I going to say? All right, so, it’s a party. I mean, if you’re not going to do it for Mom, do it for me.
Lindsay: Well, okay, but I think a party’s a little excessive.
Narrator: The next day, Buster decided it was time to deal with the situation with Lucille Austero.
Buster: I didn’t, I didn’t mean to lead you on.
Lucille 2: Oh, Buster, I feel so foolish.
Buster: No.
Lucille 2: Yes. I’m foolish and I’m funny and I’m needy. Am I needy?
Buster: No.
Lucille 2: Are you sure I’m not needy? ’Cause I feel needy sometimes.
Buster: No.
Lucille 2: Yeah, really.
