For Your Safety: Don’t Answer That Door
Episode Transcript
Written by Jim Vallely and Mitchell Hurwitz.
G.O.B.: Didn’t Dad teach us that we don’t yell in this family?
Young G.O.B.: Why ain’t you getting up, Buster?!
J. Walter Weatherman: Tell me before you hit the gas!
George, Sr.: I can’t hear you! The kids are yelling.
J. Walter Weatherman: Tell me before you hit the gas!
George, Sr.: I guess you’re saying... “Hit the gas.”
J. Walter Weatherman: No, wait! No. No! Ah! Ah! My arm! Ah!
J. Walter Weatherman: That’s why you don’t yell.
Michael: Yeah, yelling is not a good way to go. I got a better idea.
George, Sr.: You want to teach George Michael a lesson?
Michael: Yes, I do. And it’s got to stick. He’s getting into drugs, Dad, and he’s lying to me.
George, Sr.: That doesn’t sound like the boy.
Michael: I know it. I know it, but it’s my fault. I’ve been pushing him too hard. It’s just dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Michael. Dumb.
Just like George Michael.
George, Sr.: Hey, hey. Shh. I forgive you.
Michael: Look, I don’t want your forgiveness, Dad. I want the guy with the one arm and the fake blood. J. Walter Weatherman. How do I get a hold of him?
George, Sr.: Well, he’s, uh, dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioner on.
Michael: For God’s sakes, Dad. He’s not dead. Listen, I need to do this soon. Down by the docks, I’m going to make it look like a drug deal went bad or something.
George, Sr.: Tonight? No, it’s Yontif, the first night of Yom Kippur.
Michael: Dad, that’s just one night, and it’s back in September. That’s okay. You’ve only been a Jew for about two days.
George, Sr.: Just try to talk to him.
Michael: Like you talked to me when I was growing up?
George, Sr.: I thought you hated those lessons.
Michael: I did, but they worked, and they will work again.
George, Sr.: Well, I’m done with them. Because it was wrong, Michael.
Michael: Come on.
George, Sr.: Your son is a timid, thoughtful boy. He’s a scholar like his grandfather.
George, Sr.: What time is it? Oh, almost sundown. I have to prepare for the Sabbath.
Michael: It’s Tuesday.
George, Sr.: Shh.
Narrator: Lindsay went to see how her own attempt at parental discipline was coming along.
Lindsay: So, having fun? Where’d you get that brooch?
Maeby: Gangee. Nice, huh?
Lindsay: That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair. I’m the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room. Ma! You know I wanted that.
Lucille: I know. But it’s an elephant. And I didn’t want to invite the comparison.
Lindsay: Nice.
Lindsay: In any event, your punishment is over. Come on, Maeby. Let’s go.
Lucille: She’s not going anywhere. We’re having fun. Here, Maeby, try this on.
Lindsay: I see. Fine. I was going to take her out for ice cream, but if you’d rather stay here. Well, that’s just fine with me.
Maeby: Well, we can go get some ice cream, Gangee. That would be fun, right?
Lucille: I don’t think so. That chubby little wrist of yours is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is.
