Episode Transcript
Written by Richard Rosenstock and Chuck Martin.
Michael: G.O.B., there’s no need for violence. There never is. I’d like to think that we’re all, you know, intelligent, mature... um... adults that-that can settle their differences—whenever they come to light—through words.
G.O.B.: Yeah, well, I let my fists do the talking. Not this one, ’cause obviously, I need it for coin tricks and stuff. But this one, I let it speak for both of them.
Buster: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted. That’s what I did in high school when I almost got into a fight.
Michael: I think that was about being attacked by bears.
Buster: Yeah. I know.
Bear: Hey, rich kid, give me your lunch money.
Buster: But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get into a fight today.
Michael: Well, you’d be a much bigger ball.
Buster: I mean, there is so much in life that I have not experienced. And now that I’m away from Mom, I feel like this is my chance to live. I want to dance. I want to make love to a woman. I want to get a checking account. I want to know what it feels like to get my face socked in.
G.O.B.: Michael, don’t get that. That could be Marta.
Michael: What? Ooh! (Whispers.) Too late. Hello?
Lucille: Michael?
Michael: Oh, hi, Mom.
Buster: I’m not here.
Lucille: Is that Buster? Tell him I’m fine without him. Why haven’t you called me back? I’m worried about your father’s hearing.
Michael: Mom, listen, it’s going to be fine. I’m on it, okay? I’m taking care of it. I’ll be there first thing Friday morning.
Lucille: It’s tomorrow at 4:30!
Michael: Oh, I should write that down.
Lucille: Where is your head, Michael?
Michael: Listen, everything is going to be fine. They just read the charges, and we look like a loving family for, like, six minutes.
Lucille: Ten minutes.
Michael: We couldn’t get that down, huh?
Narrator: George Michael, meanwhile, went to speak with Tobias.
George Michael: This was just faxed to you.
Tobias: Oh great. The rewrite. Let’s see if they beefed up my part. I got three lines.
George Michael: So, uh, I’ve been thinking about that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from. And uh, I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.
Tobias: Yes, okay, uh... Well, have a seat. Uh... um...
Tobias: When a man... needs to prove to a woman that he’s actual... When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens, and uh, with deep, deep concentration and-and great focus, he’s often able to achieve an erec...
George Michael: I’m sorry, I’m going to stop you. I know what you mean. I-I didn’t mean babies in general.
Tobias: Oh, well that’s good. Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.
George Michael: Yeah, no, I meant specifically with Maeby.
Tobias: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn’t right.
George Michael: I know, you’re right. I’m sorry.
Tobias: No, no. It says it’s a shower scene. I’m not supposed to be in the shower scene. It has nudity!
Narrator: Tobias was a never-nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Tobias: I don’t do nudity. It says that right on my resume. Okay... what do you think I wear these for?
George Michael: I was never actually clear on that.
