Written by Barbie Feldman Adler.
Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, had gone to the bar across the street from the courthouse to read the plea offer.
Michael: “...not to exceed five years but no less than three...”
G.O.B.: What do you think?
Michael: I don’t know—I’m so mad at Barry I can’t even focus. That guy’s out dating? I mean, I’d love to be out dating, but I...
G.O.B.: Can’t relax?
Michael: No. I don’t have time for a relationship. This is important.
G.O.B.: I didn’t say anything about a relationship, Michael. If you’d slept with more than four women, you’d know that.
Michael: I have, G.O.B.
G.O.B.: More than five? Let’s say five.
G.O.B.: This is a courthouse bar, Michael. These are professional, aggressive women. They’re looking for nothing more than a one-night stand. No real names and no promises.
Michael: I’m not a one-night stand kind of guy. I don’t like lying to women.
Michael: I can’t believe I’m still reading the same sentence. How can something be “no less than three if it exceeds six?” I mean, six’s still more than three, right?
G.O.B.: Yeah, and it’s still more than five.
Maggie: Oh! Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. I’m falling all over you.
Michael: That’s okay. Let me move down. Just working on this plea.
Maggie: Oh. Well, if you’re pleading with me to have a drink with you, you can stop begging.
Michael: No, no. It’s a plea for this case... I’m sorry, you want a drink.
Maggie: I didn’t come here for the view. (To no one.) I’ll have a vodka martini.
Michael: I’ll tell him.
Maggie: So, another lawyer, huh?
Michael: Vodka martini?
Maggie: I’m Maggie Lizer. As in “Maggie lies her ass off.” One person laughed at that once, and I don’t know why I keep trying it.
Michael: No, it’s good.
Maggie: What kind of law do you practice?
Young Michael: You’re a crook, Captain Hook.
Michael: Maritime. Maritime law. The lawyers of the sea.
Maggie: Ah, a submarine chaser.
Maggie: What’s your name?
Maggie: Chareth? So then what’s your last name?
Michael: Cute story.
Michael: Yes. Chareth Cutestory.
Maggie: That’s an interesting name.
Michael: Is it?
Maeby: So here’s the test that I failed.
George Michael: Oh, okay. I see the problem right away. You got all the answers wrong. You know, you even got your name wrong. It says S. Fünke.
Maeby: Yeah, well, what they want you do is put an “S” if you’re single, or an “M” if you’re married. Most of us are all single, but it’s a whole government thing.
George Michael: Yeah, okay. Well, the first thing you want to do, especially when you’re dealing with fractions...
Maeby: Yeah, so I’m gonna go, okay? So just fill in all the right answers here, and I’ll see where I went wrong. And you’re getting paid for this, right?
George Michael: There was some talk of ice cream, but not exactly on my terms. Where did you get all that? You have a job or something?
Maeby: No, but you do. Now, look, don’t feel guilty. I don’t really need tutoring anyways, okay?