The Magical Arrested Development Tour, Part II
For Your Safety: Don’t Answer That Door
Guys With Low Self-Esteem
Controversial Video Maker Visits The O.C.
Episode Transcript
Written by John Levenstein and Mitchell Hurwitz.
Kitty: I don’t think your father is gonna be very happy about this. So take a good look, ’cause it’s the last time.
Michael: That’s like the seventh nipple I’ve seen today.
Narrator: And Michael was called to the prison.
George, Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can’t fire Kitty. First of all, you don’t have hiring and firing power.
Michael: I do, and I had to— she’s crazy.
George, Sr.: Well, that’s why you don’t fire her. You don’t fire crazy. You never fire crazy.
Michael: She’s completely unprofessional. Look, she just came back from sick leave with these... Oh, my God. You paid for them. Didn’t you?
George, Sr.: Look, you got carried away. Hell, I-I’ve been, I’ve been so corrupted by my power that I even enjoyed firing my own twin brother. You should have seen his face when he was begging me not to. Well, he’s my twin brother. I can show you.
George, Sr.: It’s funny, but, you know, Kitty had access to all kinds of information. God knows what she poked her nose into.
George, Sr.: There’s enough evidence on this boat to put me away. You’re the only real thing I have. Oh, God, there’s nothing to hold on to down there. You’re like a boy.
Kitty: What’s wrong with you?
George, Sr.: All these books are cooked.
Michael: I’m sorry. I gotta do my job.
George, Sr.: And I gotta get out of prison. Next time someone threatens me, I may not have a son-in-law to offer.
Michael: Look, I can’t come in here... Offer?
George, Sr.: I may not have a son-in-law to offer me counseling. You know, he should have stayed a shrink. He’s very gifted, you know.
Narrator: In fact, Tobias had even produced a videotape, but its brief success was due to its misleading name. Once this was discovered, all but ten of the videos were returned.
George, Sr.: Hire Kitty back. Okay? For the company. No, no. For me.
Michael: It is kind of a funny face.
George, Sr.: Oh, come on, now.
Lindsay: Where’s Nana?
Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there’s so much food on that boat. She’s up to 74. It’s wonderful. Just wonderful.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille’s mother had been dead for six months.
Lucille: She tried pesto for the first time. Can you believe that? 92 years old and she never tried pesto.
Narrator: Lucille feared that the family would come after the inheritance if they found out.
Lindsay: Was she on the phone, Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong?
Lucille: Emory board. Isn’t he great? And he goes with everything.
Narrator: Meanwhile, G.O.B. was adjusting to a new companion of his own.
George Michael: But that’s not the end of the trick. There’s a big surprise coming.
G.O.B.: Take your T-shirt off, please.
George Michael: Oh, you changed the trick. It’s a different trick.
G.O.B.: Now, if I roll up this T-shirt... Put it in this hat...
Michael: G.O.B.! Hey, George Michael?
George Michael: Hang on, Dad, we’re in the middle of something.
G.O.B.: And if you’ll be so kind as to expose your breasts, please.
Michael: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Hey! What the hell are you doing?
George Michael: Dad, it’s misdirection. You’re supposed to keep your eye on the shirt in the hat.
Michael: Get downstairs, right now. Come on.
