Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz and Richard Rosenstock.
Michael: Well, you need to find it before Ira is asked to testify.
George, Sr.: I thought you were talking about Gilligan. Who’s Ira?
Michael: Ira Gilligan. Ira’s his first name. He actually hates to be called Gilligan.
George, Sr.: Well, he never told me that.
George, Sr.: Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be safe in IRAs.
Ira Gilligan: It’s Ira, sir.
George, Sr.: Oh, I’m sorry, Gilligan. Will be safe in Ira’s.
George, Sr.: What the hell is this, Gilligan?
Ira Gilligan: It’s Ira, sir. Please call me I...
George, Sr.: Gilligan!
George, Sr.: Michael, if he testifies, I am screwed. Here’s what you do. You take him out for some fishing or something.
Michael: Why would I take him fishing?
George, Sr.: Fun. Guy fun. Let’s get him on our side.
Michael: No. I’m not taking him fishing.
George, Sr.: Oh, that’s right, yeah, you hated fishing.
Michael: No, I didn’t.
George, Sr.: No, I’ll get G.O.B. Yeah, he liked it, and...
Michael: Hang on a second.
George, Sr.: ...he’s the one who’s fun.
Michael: I like fishing. Where are you going? I’m fun; it’s just the way to fix this Ira thing, okay, is not to buy him off, all right? It’s to find out where the money went.
George, Sr.: You’re no fun.
Michael: Yeah, I’m plenty fun.
Narrator: That night, the family gathered at Lucille’s to welcome G.O.B.’s wife.
Lucille: I have always wanted a daughter. And a blonde! What fun!
Buster: Hey, adopted brother. Do you think I could have a hit of that juice box that...
Narrator: And Michael tried to convince Lindsay to rejoin Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution.
Lindsay: Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution was a nightmare for me.
Michael: Hm. Nah, he said it was the most fun your family’s ever had.
Lindsay: Yeah, well, I was whacked on Zanotab the entire time.
Michael: I thought Zanotab was supposed to make everything a little bit better.
Lindsay: For 15 minutes, then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It’s not a good supplement.
Lindsay: Besides, Maeby’s not gonna want to do it.
Maeby: I want to do it. Are you kidding me? Those were our best times ever!
Lindsay: This party just keeps getting better.
George Michael: So, uh, you know, if you want me on wood block, I-I can keep perfect time. Some call me “The Human Metronome.” You notice how I’m always on time? I’m never late for things.
Maeby: Yeah, but I think punctuality is slightly different from rhythm.
George Michael: No, it’s not. No, it’s the exact same thing. It’s knowing how long things take.
Maeby: Look, I’m just doing this because if my parents split up, it’s a lot more work for me. I know. They split up once in Boston. When they get along, When they don’t, guess who they start spending all their time with? Me.
George Michael: We’ve been talking here for 28 seconds, just so you know.
Wife of G.O.B.: Excuse me. Dr. Funky?
