Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz and Richard Rosenstock.
Annyong: Annyong.
Lucille: ...and I don’t need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.
Narrator: And so, as Michael and his son checked into the hotel, his brothers arrived.
George Michael: What are you guys doing here?
Buster: We’re having G.O.B.’s bachelor party. You’re not going? Even Dad’s coming. Via satellite.
Michael: No, I’m going to go fishing with my son here. We’re gonna go have some fun. Real fun, okay. Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood.
Michael: Why do you guys have buckets of blood?
G.O.B.: It’s not real blood. It’s corn syrup and red dye. Juice.
Buster: We have unlimited juice? (Laughs.) This party is going to be off the hook.
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Wellness Convention in the very same hotel... Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution was preparing for their show.
Drug Rep: So, here are the new Euphorazine side effects.
Tobias: Ah, the solo. That is for my lovely and talented daughter.
Maeby: “Delayed irritability”? What do they mean by “delayed?”
Lindsay: It means it comes later, and this is ridiculous. Why do we even have to do this?
Tobias: We’re doing this to keep our family together.
Lindsay: No, I’m serious. Look at us. We’re dressed like we’re in the ’60s. It’s the 21st century. We should be dressing like it’s the ’80s.
Tobias: Lindsay...
Lindsay: I’m tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I’ll be at the bar.
Tobias: Well, fine, Lindsay, that’s fine. Maeby and I’ll just...
Maeby: Yeah, I’m out, too.
Drug Rep: You think you can handle it alone? ’Cause if you don’t perform, we don’t validate.
Narrator: Back in Michael’s hotel room, the guys were settling down for the night so as to be ready for their 4:00 a.m. wake-up call.
George Michael: Sure sounds like they’re having fun out there by the pool.
Michael: Oh, they think they’re having fun, son, but it’s not lasting fun. It’s fleeting fun. Like a bachelor party. What we got here is lasting fun. Okay? You think about that. Good night, son.
George Michael: Good night, Dad.
Voices: Marco!
Kids: Polo!
Voices: Marco!
Kids: Polo!
George Michael: Hey, Dad?
Voices: Marco!
George Michael: Dad, are you still awake?
Michael: I’m still awake.
George Michael: It’s just, um... I mean, this is really fun and everything...
Michael: This isn’t even the fun part. Tomorrow.
George Michael: Yeah.
George Michael: The problem I’m having is, uh... I have got a pretty finely tuned internal clock...
Michael: Mm-hmm.
George Michael: It’s actually why I’m such a good natural percussionist. And, um... I’m just... worried that I’m not going to be able to fall asleep for another two hours and 45 minutes.
George Michael: So I was thinking maybe I would go down and check out Maeby’s band? You could go see if G.O.B.’s bachelor party has started.
Shushes.
