Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz and Richard Rosenstock.
Michael: Well, I wasn’t going to, but he’s my brother and I’m here to support him. Like all these, uh... hot men and Ira.
George, Sr.: You’re not going to stay? I mean, this isn’t your kind of scene.
Michael: Dad, please, stay out of it, all right? I’m here for G.O.B. Now where are the strippers? Mm. You got a little back room going, huh? Huh? No, hey, just relax. I’m as fun as anybody. I can handle a back room.
Michael: Hey, what is this?
G.O.B.: She’s died. She’s dead. It was Gilligan.
Ira Gilligan: What?!
G.O.B.: Gilligan killed the skipper... stripper!
Ira Gilligan: I didn’t kill any stripper.
G.O.B.: You’re drunk. You don’t remember.
George, Sr.: You’re pulling the ripcord. Are you nuts?
G.O.B.: Ira, take my honeymoon tickets. Get out of the country. Save yourself!
Ira Gilligan: I’m not drunk. Bix made me the designated driver.
G.O.B.: Bix!
Narrator: Just then, the stripper woke up and saw Buster with what appeared to be blood around his mouth and thought she killed him for groping her.
Narcoleptic Stripper: Not again.
Ira Gilligan: You were setting me up. You were trying to get me to leave the country. Well, the hell with you, sir. Bix, we’re leaving. I’m testifying.
Michael: You were trying to set Ira up?
George, Sr.: Oh, G.O.B.... G.O.B., come on, is this true?
Michael: Oh, wait a minute. It wasn’t your idea, G.O.B. It was your idea, wasn’t it, Dad?
George, Sr.: (Stammers.) It wa... Even if it was my idea, which it wasn’t, G.O.B. screwed it up, which he did, and he always does.
Michael: You don’t have to take that.
G.O.B.: What the hell am I supposed to do?
Michael: Here.
George, Sr.: Oh, no. No, no. Don’t you dare, mister.
Michael: Do it.
George, Sr.: Hey, G.O.B.!
Michael: Do it.
George, Sr.: I am your best man. I’m your fa...
G.O.B.: (Sighs.) What does it matter? I screwed it up anyway. I’m a complete failure. I can’t even fake the death of a stripper.
Michael: Come on. That’s not a bad thing. That doesn’t make you a failure. Dad’s the failure.
G.O.B.: Really? When he was my age, he ran an entire company, he had kids.
Michael: Well, the company was corrupt. Look what he’s trying to do to us. And I’ll tell you something else— you might not be a father, you know, G.O.B., but you are my brother.
G.O.B.: I might be a father.
Michael: Why don’t you start trusting yourself, okay? Not-Not Dad. You’re a much better man than he is.
G.O.B.: And you’re a better man than both of us. You’re the best man. You’re my best man. I mean, not if I have an actual ceremony, ’cause Dad would kill me, but...
G.O.B.: What do you say, hermano?
G.O.B.: Help me clean up this mess?
Michael: What the hell.
