Written by Mitchell Hurwitz.
Narrator: This is Michael Bluth.This is Michael’s mother.
Lucille: Look what they’ve done, Michael.
Narrator: She isn’t happy.
Lucille: Look what the homosexuals have done to me.
Michael: You can’t just comb that out and reset it?
Narrator: Currently, she’s upset that her husband’s retirement party... is being upstaged by a group of gay protesters.
Protesters: We’re here! We’re queer! We want to get married on the ocean!
Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.
Lindsay: (Sighs.) Good grief, Mother. Not all homosexuals are flamboy— Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.
Narrator: This is Michael’s twin sister, Lindsay... the self-proclaimed liberal member of the family.
Lucille: I like it better on him.
Narrator: As a youthful act of defiance, Lindsay married... this man. They moved to Boston, where they’ve become celebrated... for their wine and cheese fund-raisers.
Lindsay: Oh, no. I’m completely stuffed.
Narrator: This is Michael’s oldest brother, poor G.O.B.
Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?
Narrator: G.O.B. recently started the Alliance of Magicians... an organization that blackballs any performer... who reveals a magician’s secret. And finally there’s Buster... the youngest of Michael’s siblings.
Michael: Hey, Buster. You know, you don’t need to do that, buddy. It’s okay.
Narrator: Thanks to the family’s largesse, Buster has studied everything... from Native American tribal ceremonies... to cartography, the mapping of uncharted territories.
Buster: Actually, I’m studying cartography now... the mapping of uncharted territories.
Michael: Sure. Hasn’t everything already sort of been discovered, though... by, like, Magellan and Cort
Buster: Oh, yeah, yeah. Those people. Those guys did a pretty good job.
Narrator: He also suffers from crippling panic attacks. Yes, this is his family. So why is Michael so happy? Because he’s decided to never speak to these people again.
Narrator: Michael was feeling more generous about his family... on the morning of the boat party.
Michael: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?
George Michael: Breakfast.
George Michael: Family. Right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.
Narrator: This is Michael’s son, George Michael.
Michael: I mean, we have made nothing but sacrifices for this family... and tonight it all pays off,my boy. Tonight your granddad makes me partner.
Narrator: To prove his dedication to the family business... Michael has decided to live here— in the model unit ofhis father’s latest housing tract. The guys live in the attic so that the house... can still function as a pristine selling tool.