Pilot’s Unaired Lines
Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz.
Michael: Yeah, absolutely. It’s his retirement party. Plus, he’s been dropping a lot of hints.
George Michael: What kind of hints?
Michael: It’s funny. It’s not a “hint” hint, but he has been calling me “pardner.”
George Michael: Yeah, that’s— that’s like partner.
Michael: Of course, he has been going through a little bit of a cowboy phase.
Michael: No. I’ll be my own boss.
George Michael: This is a real home.
Michael: No, it’s not. It’s a fake home, son. You want the loops or the flakes today?
George Michael: I’d rather live like this than like my aunt and uncles, whose eyes have never stung... from the sweet sweat of a hard day’s work.
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you gettin’ all that?
George Michael: From you. You say it every couple of years when they come out to visit.
Michael: Well, maybe you’re right. Maybe they are spoiled. But you know what, son? That is not our problem. That is their problem. We have a good thing going here. You’ll find that you have much more dignity and self-respect... when you learn... that this house has got everything we’re looking for.
George Michael: And more! Can we buy it, Dad? Can we buy the house?
Michael: We’re gonna try, son. But we gotta hurry. These are gonna get all snapped up. :Oh, good morning. I’ll race you to the bank.
George Michael: All right.
Narrator: The guys then headed down to Balboa Island. It was here, in 1953, that George Sr. started a business... selling a novelty food item called... the frozen banana. Like his father before him, Michael had gotten his son a job there... to bolster the boy’s self-esteem.
George Michael: Ten cents gets you nuts. Uncle G.O.B.? Uncle G.O.B.
G.O.B.: Give me a dollar. No, the twenty. This is gonna blow your mind. Some say wealth is an illusion. Well, let’s just see. For one moment it’s here, and in the next...
George Michael: Monopoly.
G.O.B.: You don’t have it, do you?
George Michael: Yeah, I think I might.
G.O.B.: That’s good, ’cause a lot of the pieces are missing.
George Michael: Oh, to play Monopoly with my family again.
G.O.B.: I’d give anything to be eight.
George Michael: I’m 13.
G.O.B.: No, I wasn’t crazy about 13. The acne, self-consciousness, the erections. You okay?
George Michael: Yeah, I’m okay.
G.O.B.: Hey, there’s the man I came to see.
George Michael: Uh, Uncle G.O.B., where’s the twenty?
G.O.B.: Hey, a magician never reveals his secret. That’s what I started the whole alliance about. I don’t need the secret.
George Michael: I just need the twenty.
G.O.B.: What you need to know... is that it’s magic.
George Michael: Wow. It’s so much like stealing.
Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, was making final preparations for his father’s boat party.
Michael: :It’s sort of a “pass the torch” situation, so if you’ve got a wireless mic—
Captain: Got it.
Michael: Or a torch. Now that I think about it. It’s just a joke. Hey.
G.O.B.: Michael.
Michael: G.O.B. I’m sorry. Uh, Captain, this is my brother, G.O.B.
Captain: How are you?
