Pilot’s Unaired Lines
Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz.
George, Sr.: Shredder. No. Save it. Save it. Shredder.
Lucille: Please don’t leave us now, Buster! Please!
G.O.B.: Get in the tomb. The Aztec Tomb.
George, Sr.: Save it. Shred it. Hold on. I don’t have time for your magic tricks.
G.O.B.: Illusions, Dad! You don’t have time for my illusions!
George, Sr.: What is wrong with you? Why are you so angry?
G.O.B.: Look.Just stay in the box. I’ll make you disappear.
Narrator: The Bluth family dominated the news that night.
John Beard: Southern California is the home of the high-speed freeway chase... but tonight’s flee from justice was on the sea and slow as molasses.
John Beard: Bluth Development Company President George Bluth... was arrested tonight for defrauding investors... and using the company as his personal piggy bank. More intrigue on the high seas tonight... as dozens of local pirates were arrested... for protesting the yacht club’s discriminatory policies.
Narrator: Even G.O.B. made the news.
Trisha Thoon: It was Mr. Bluth’s son “Gob,” a part-time magician... who hid his father here in the Aztec Tomb. By pushing on this pivoting panel... Mr. Bluth was able to hide in this airless chamber—
G.O.B.: I have to think the Alliance is gonna frown on this.
Trisha Thoon: Perhaps a good trick for a human... but the dogs found him almost instantly.
Man: Free at last, darlings.
Tobias: I’m all right.
Lindsay: Thank God.
Tobias: Oh, what an adventure. Oh, my goodness! Buster! Don’t do that. What an adventure, gang. I thought that the homosexuals were pirates... but it turns out that most of them were actors in the local theater. (Chuckles.) You’re right though. It is amazing. I’ve been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me, and— and I think it has.
Lindsay: You’re gay?
Tobias: No. No. I’m not— I’m not gay. No. Lindsay, how many times must we have this— No. I want to be an actor. (Chuckles.)
Michael: Okay, guys. Um, they are gonna keep Dad in prison... at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said they’re gonna have to put a halt on the company’s expense account.
Michael: Interesting. I would have expected that after the “keeping Dad in jail.”
Lindsay: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.
Lucille: And I’m putting Buster in charge.
G.O.B.: That’s a good choice.
Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?
Lucille: He’s had business classes.
Buster: Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait. Eighteenth-century agrarian business. But I guess it’s all the same principles. Lemme ask you: Are you at all concerned about an uprising?
Michael: You wanna know what? That’s it. I’m done. I’m sick and tired of the greed and the selfishness and all the taking. Forget it. I’ve got a son to think about. Lindsay, by the way, I expected this from them because they’re completely oblivious. But you— you should know better. Come on.
Narrator: Lindsay had no choice but to check her family out of the hotel earlier than planned.
Tobias: :What are we doing with this? What is happening with this?
Narrator: And her husband started looking for work.
Tobias: My name is Dr. Tobias F
