The One Where They Talk About Season Two
A Tale of Two Sitcoms: Part 2
El Bandito ‘Cornball’: Capturado
Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz and Jim Vallely.
Lucille: It’s about your Uncle Oscar. I want him to move in with you.
Michael: You’re not kicking him out already, are you?
Narrator: Michael’s uncle had recently moved into Lucille’s apartment where they quickly rekindled a long-dormant romance. It was a secret she hoped to keep...
Lucille: Oscar, we’ll be heard.
Narrator: ...and he didn’t.
Michael: Don’t worry about it. They’re never going to take him.
Narrator: At that moment, Buster was taking his physical at the recruitment center.
- hole in his heart
- Buster says he has a “hole in my heart” during the Army medical, a reference to Lucille’s comment in Storming the Castle.
Buster: ...hole in my heart. I’ve never opened my eyes underwater. My, um... (Whispering.) genital area... (Normal voice.) is shaped like a... (Whispering.) lobster tail, ... (Normal voice.) but without its shell. Uh, oh, I guess I have the panic attacks under control. Oh, and I’m legally blind at night.
Narrator: But Buster had miscalculated the Army’s current need for personnel.
Army Doctor: Okay, then, let’s get you fitted for a uniform.
Buster: What? (Panicked whimper.)
Michael: Hey, why don’t you volunteer Oscar? That would solve both your problems.
Lucille: He’d never cut his hair. That hair...
Michael: Listen, Oscar’s your problem. I’m taking care of everything else in this family, including starting construction on a second model home. We’re having a ribbon-cutting ceremony.
Lucille: Michael, we can’t have a ribbon cutting without your father, and he’s God knows where.
Narrator: George Sr. was in Mexico with his escape accomplice and ex-secretary, Kitty...
- Señor Tadpole’s
- Kitty is wearing a Señor Tadpole’s T-shirt.
- Mommy, What Will I Look Like?
- A photograph of George, Sr. and Kitty’s possible baby is presented courtesy Lindsay’s business.
Kitty: Eggs. It must be my unconscious desire to have a baby. Oh, my God, can you even imagine how cute the combination of the two of us would be? I mean, we’re all out of prophylacticos anyway. Somebody used the last two on his feet to walk across the bathroom floor.
Narrator: ...but he was growing tired of their confined intimacy.
George, Sr.: I’ve made a huge mistake.
George, Sr.: Hey, it’s me.
G.O.B.: Dad?
George, Sr.: Listen, I got to make this quick. You’re the only one who can save the family. But you got to keep the company strong, because I’m going to need some of that money later.
G.O.B.: I will, Dad. It’s funny, after all these years of you making fun of me for the magic shows, and...
George, Sr.: G.O.B.? Oh, for God’s...! I called to talk to Michael, you horse’s...
Operator: Gracias para usar Tijuana Bell.
Narrator: G.O.B. was hurt.
G.O.B.: Bye, Pop.
Michael: Hey, whoa-whoa. Was that Dad?
G.O.B.: Yeah. I had to, uh, jump off.
