The One Where They Talk About Season Two
A Tale of Two Sitcoms: Part 2
El Bandito ‘Cornball’: Capturado
Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz and Jim Vallely.
Narrator: As Michael grew frustrated by his relationship with G.O.B., Lucille tried to end hers with Oscar.
Lucille: Oscar, no. I can’t have this in my life anymore. I’m a married woman.
Oscar: Lucille, you want to leave, I won’t chase after you. But before you do, ask yourself— where’s your husband? Because I am here. I’m real, I am flesh and blood and hair.
Lucille: Oh, God, that hair. What will people say?
Oscar: They’ll say those people... are in love.
Narrator: In fact, that night the evening news report said something very different.
John Beard: Lucille Bluth, caught on tape breathing life into a homeless man. The surprising home video at 10:00.
Narrator: And Michael prepared to build a house.
Lindsay: Two weeks? But what if my dates aren’t available?
Michael: I’m trying to get a last minute crew together, Lindsay. Your inability to get a man interested is not at the top of my list.
Lindsay: Oh, I’ve got a man interested, Michael.
Michael: What’s wrong with him?
Lindsay: There’s nothing wrong with him. He is homeless. Well, I didn’t know he was homeless at the time. It’s humiliating.
Maeby: Is this about Gangee’s homeless guy?
Michael: Gangee’s homeless guy?
Maeby: Yeah, it’s all over the news. Gangee gave CPR to a homeless guy on the beach.
Narrator: Lindsay felt respect for her mother, and decided that perhaps she could overcome her pride and help someone, too.
Lindsay: I’ve got someone for your crew, Michael. My boyfriend. The homeless guy. I wonder if he even has an apartment or anything.
Michael: Hello.
Lucille: Did you see the news? Your Uncle Oscar forced himself on me at the beach today, and I didn’t have my horn.
Michael: Of course. It was Uncle Oscar. Mom, you’re not having an affair with him, are you?
Narrator: And George Sr. made his case to the Mexican police.
George, Sr.: I’ve been beaten up here. I tell you, I’m George, I’m not Oscar, I’m George!
Mexican Warden: The cornballer.
George, Sr.: Sí, the cornballer.
Narrator: George Sr. had marketed a device called the Cornballer in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.
George, Sr.: Why, did you have one?
Mexican Warden: Sí.
Narrator: Lindsay meanwhile, was having trouble...
Lindsay: ...great body.
Narrator: ...finding her homeless man.
Lindsay: He looked like a movie star.
Narrator: In fact, the man looked like a movie star because he was a movie star.
Lindsay: Oh, out here? Okay.
- Les cousins dangereux
- Tom Jane’s movie poster for Junk says it’s “From the directors of Dangerous Cousins,” the movie in My Mother The Car.
Narrator: His name was Tom Jane, and he was making two movies for a major studio. One was a gritty personal project about a junkie’s life, which he only got to do in exchange for making a rigidly formulaic popcorn movie. He was living on the streets researching his role.
Lindsay: Hey, homeless guy.
Tom Jane: Hey.
Lindsay: I’m not proud of the way I was so grossed out when I found out you were gross before.
Tom Jane: You really thought I was gross, huh?
