The One Where They Talk About Season Two
A Tale of Two Sitcoms: Part 2
The Magical Arrested Development Tour, Part I
Episode Transcript
Michael: Well, I was, until you came back.
George, Sr.: Hey, you’re not going to turn me in, are you? Because I had no idea there were sanctions against, uh, I-Iraq. You know, they-they sent me over there. They said, “Go build.” I-I... Do I look like a criminal mastermind to you? How do you get this ham open? I can... I can’t get this ham open.
Michael: I’m not going to turn you in, Dad, but you have put me in a position where I’m going to have to lie.
Michael: Why’d you have to come back here in the first place?
George, Sr.: Oh, no reason— your mother happens to be just shtupping my brother, that’s all.
George, Sr.: I’m only here to find out if I have a shot with her. If she’s really in love with Oscar, I don’t know, to hell with her— I’ll just... I’ll just leave. I’ll never come back.
Michael: Great. She’s really in love with him.
George, Sr.: That’s very funny.
Michael: Mm.
George, Sr.: I need you to find out, okay? ’Cause ever since I-I heard about this, I can’t... sleep, I can’t... I can’t eat.
George, Sr.: Oh. Oh, look, it just peels off. Isn’t that clever?
Narrator: Later that day, George Michael was having his eye exam... and finding it to be just as difficult as his math exam.
Optometrist: One or two?
George Michael: Two. No, no, one.
Optometrist: Okay, two... or three?
George Michael: Three. Unless three is too much of an improvement. I’m sorry, is one... is one in the mix still?
Narrator: And Michael met with the new prosecutor, Wayne Jarvis.
Michael: I’m sorry, I don’t understand how this is not a conflict of interest. I mean, you almost represented us, and now you’re the prosecutor?
Wayne Jarvis: The Patriot Act. Read it.
Michael: I’m not even the president anymore. My brother G.O.B. is.
Wayne Jarvis: I spoke with G.O.B. He appears to know nothing.
Michael: Yeah, that’s not an act. He’s twice tried to microwave a Ding Dong while it was still in its foil... twice.
Wayne Jarvis: Twice?
Michael: Two times.
Narrator: In fact, G.O.B. had been grilled earlier.
G.O.B.: I don’t know anything about the business, I told you!
Wayne Jarvis: We’re going to get you, Bluth. We’ll give you a few minutes to think about what you want to do.
Wayne Jarvis: (Aside.) He knows less than anyone we have ever questioned.
Narrator: G.O.B. knew too little to know that, however, and his confidence had never been more shaken.
Narrator: And just when he thought he couldn’t handle another embarrassment...
Wayne Jarvis: You’re free to go. Things could get very messy for you, Michael, unless you have something to bargain with, like, say... a fugitive.
Michael: I don’t know where to find such a thing.
Wayne Jarvis: Well, look harder. There might be something in it for you.
Michael: Something to get me off the hook?
Wayne Jarvis: If you can find a certain someone.
Barry: Can I have a moment alone with my client, please? (To Michael.) Did you follow any of that?
Michael: Yeah, he’s hinting that he’s going to grant me immunity, but only on the condition that I turn in my father.
Barry: Do you know where your father is?
Narrator: Michael had just found out that his legal problems might go away if he turned in his father.
Barry: It’s just you and me now, huh?
Michael: No, Barry, I... I know where my father is, okay? He came back to make sure that my mother was really in love with my uncle. He wants to know if he’s still got a shot with her. If he doesn’t, he’s leaving.
