George, Sr.: Boy’s pulling away from you.
Michael: Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with him. You know, he’s-he’s on Bethlehem time. He’s spending every moment of the day with this girl. It’s, like, I’m his father. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He should be spending most...
George, Sr.: Don’t get involved. Believe me, when I thought your first wife was driving us apart, I did not make a stink.
Michael: You complained all the time, and she was my only wife. And she died.
George, Sr.: Yeah, well. See, things have a way of working themselves out.
Michael: Nonetheless. It’s family first at the holidays. Oh, God, it’s Mom again.
George, Sr.: Put it on speaker phone. I want to hear her beautiful voice.
Lucille: (Screaming.) Aah! Michael! There’s a hole in the window. There’s been a break-in! Get over here!
Michael: I’m leaving now.
George, Sr.: She sounds tense. That means she’s not getting any from my brother Oscar. Lovely. That’s nice.
Lucille: (Sighs.) I heard about the banana stand, and now there’s been a break-in.
Lucille: But I have a surprise for whoever it is if he comes back. First I blow him, then I poke him.
Michael: Guy has no idea what he’s in for. You know, Mom, all the glass seems to be on the outside. Plus, here’s your little statue, so, I guess what this says to me is, I doubt anyone was trying to break in, Mom. If anything, someone was trying to break out. Where is Oscar?
Lucille: Oh, he’s on his walkabout, or pilgrimage.
Narrator: Every year, Oscar attempts the 420-mile walk from Newport Beach to Berkeley, California. In the 12 years he’s attempted this, he’s never made it past U.C. Irvine.
Lucille: He calls it a quest to recharge his chi. I call it an excuse for him to score his pot and wag his pickle at coeds.
Michael: You sound mad, Mom. Mad enough to throw one of these little lady heads at him.
Lucille: What’s that supposed to mean?
Michael: Well, it just... You know... Maybe you’re a little bit lonely, and you’re acting out for attention.
Lucille: (Laughing.) Oh, that’s ridiculous. I want you to move in with me.
Michael: What?! No. No. No. No, no, no, no.
Michael: Didn’t you adopt a child for this very reason, so that you would never be alone?
Lucille: Michael, a mother doesn’t have a child to give herself company. Annyong was to teach Buster a lesson.
Michael: And where is that little lesson?
Lucille: I sent him to the Milford Academy to teach him a lesson. I can’t remember about what. And Buster left this morning to finish his Army training.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille had refused to drive him to the Army base, so Buster was taking his very first bus ride.
Bus Driver: I can’t change a hundred.
Buster: Oh. Oh, damn it. Stop it. Oh.
Narrator: And that’s when Buster saw something interesting.
Buster: (Laughs.) Oh. (Growling.)
Narrator: While just twenty yards away, Michael went to work repairing the banana stand.
Michael: What are you doing here?
Maeby: My mom signed me out of school early, so then she wouldn’t have to pick me up later, so then she wouldn’t be late for the Christmas party.
Michael: That’s about the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Maeby: I had to drive because she had a little bit of a buzz on.
Michael: No, that’s it.
Maeby: You’re doing this alone?
Michael: Yeah. Oh, thanks. I guess George Michael’s getting a little too old to hang out with his Dad.
Maeby: Yeah, and I’m getting too old for my mom to be with me.
Michael: You know what? Maybe we should go to this party together?