George Michael: All right.
Michael: What are you doing with that thing?
Tobias: I am going to catch that wolf, Michael. I’m gonna shoot it with this tranquilizer gun, get the reward, and bid on my woman at the charity auction.
Michael: Isn’t there some kind of a waiting period for a rifle like that?
Tobias: It turns out there is.
Gun Shop Owner: Well, there is a gun show loophole.
Tobias: But what timing, huh? I mean, right out back they were having one. Ah, G.O.B. I’m going hunting for my wife.
G.O.B.: How lame was Lucille 2 at lunch, huh?
Michael: You’ve got attached, haven’t you?
G.O.B.: :You’re not going to tell anybody about this, are you?
Michael: Come on. I’m not one to judge. Every time I’ve gone out with Sally I’ve looked like I’m 12 years old. But, yes, I probably will tell people about this.
G.O.B.: Maybe we can strike up a deal. You keep this to yourself, I help you get Sally. Siphon a little something from her car. You show up in the Corvette, looking like a man— “Car troubles?”
Michael: Probably shouldn’t do the fireball when you siphon the gas.
G.O.B.: Guess this flint’s still got a little life left in it, huh?
Narrator: Lindsay, meanwhile, was waiting in the park for her date with Moses Taylor.
Frank Wrench: I’m sorry I’m late. Fans. Sometimes it takes a while to jar their memories.
Frank Wrench: Nice fur. You know there’s some nuts out there who’d want to throw red paint all over you. Wait a minute. I think there’s one right over there.
Lindsay: Oh, my God, you’re...
Frank Wrench: Someone needs to read this.
Narrator: And that’s when Lindsay’s heel went out.
Tobias: Ah... I got him!
Frank Wrench: False alarm.
Frank Wrench: Oh, crap.
Lindsay: I’m being saved by Frank Wrench.
Frank Wrench: (No, you’re not!)
Lindsay: Frank Wrench.
Frank Wrench: Shut up! Shh!
Narrator: But unbeknownst to Lindsay and Tobias, the actor who played Frank Wrench wasn’t saving her, but was just trying to distance himself from the outlandish “Moses Taylor Hunts People” scandal that had been started by a rabid antigun fanatic. And that night, Michael went to help Sally with the car problem G.O.B. had created...
Michael: What the hell?
Narrator: ...only to find out things had gotten out of hand for G.O.B. Michael, however, did look heroic as he went to put out the fire. Unfortunately, Sally arrived too late to see him that way.
Sally Sitwell: God, what happened?!
Michael: Car... trouble. (Coughing.)
Narrator: G.O.B. had just blown up a car.
G.O.B.: Next thing I know, I’m running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I’d be, you know?