Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz and Jim Vallely.
Buster: (Grunts.) making that love!
Narrator: And perhaps it was screaming it out loud that made Buster realize that he missed Lucille 2.
Michael: I’m wondering if you can keep some of the more piercing profanities down when the 90-year-old fitness buff gets here?
Lucille: You know, Michael, I was happy to call Uncle Jack for you, but that’s as much as I’m going to do— if you know what I mean. I need a more vital man.
Uncle Jack: Someone order 140 pounds of upper-body strength?
Michael: Well, he certainly sounds vital to me.
Uncle Jack: Walk, Dragon, walk! Enter the room!
Michael: Welcome, Uncle Jack.
Uncle Jack: He’s half deaf. It was a stupid, stupid hire. Not higher! Eye level! Eye level! Kisses and then we talk! Which one is Michael?
Michael: Eh...
Uncle Jack: Swoop me!
Michael: I really appreciate you coming over, Uncle Jack.
Uncle Jack: Thank you for having me. You may be amazed. I’m invited into very few personal homes.
Uncle Jack: To the nuts! The bridge mix! The bridge mix! Fool!
Buster: Hey, fake Uncle Jack.
Uncle Jack: Oh, is this the boy? Is this the little one? My God, you’re an Army man. I was never in the Army. I was in the pictures! “Here comes Uncle Jack!” Shoot me!
Uncle Jack: Look at that— I pinned him! I pinned the Army man! God bless you for being in the Army. Up, Dragon! Left. Left with vigor.
Buster: (Whimpering.)
Lindsay: Remember me?
Uncle Jack: Lucille. Why, you look younger than you did the day I...
Lucille: No, you old fool. I’m Lucille.
Uncle Jack: (Shrieks.) You look fabulous! Back to the blond! Back to the blond! Isn’t she beautiful? Oh, yeah.
Maeby: He’s kind of scary, that guy, huh?
George Michael: No, not to me. I think he’s kind of cool.
Maeby: Well, why don’t you go get your kiss from Mr. Cool Half-Man?
George Michael: I... Okay, I’d be fine with that, so...
Maeby: Let’s go. Come on. Let’s go.
Uncle Jack: She’s no bigger than one of my legs. Shake them for her! (Grunting.)
George Michael: Excuse me, Uncle Jack, I’m George Michael...
Uncle Jack: It’s okay. Ignore it. Ignore it! It’s just something the body does when you shake it!
Uncle Jack: Towel!
Lucille: Not the good ones!
George Michael: Is he dying? What if he’s dying?
Lindsay: Boy, that Dragon’s cute, huh?
Michael: What, the deaf giant who’s holding our fake uncle?
