Episode Transcript
Written by Jim Vallely and Chuck Martin.
Lucille: I know what this is about. You want to go swimming in the ocean. Well, you can forget it.
Oscar: I don’t think that’s what this is about.
Lucille: Yes, it is. He’s trying to punish me or something. Whatever happened to “Keepin’ It Fresh”?
Buster: I was 30 years old then, Mother. I’m 32 now! And I’m not trying to teach you a lesson.
Lucille: Well, I may not have been a perfect mother, but you know kids don’t come with a handbook.
- amazon.com
- An amazon.com search for child rearing yields 1,519 results.
Narrator: In fact, there are thousands of books written on child rearing. But Lucille was in denial.
Lucille: If he wants to go swimming, let him.
Narrator: And Buster was far from ready to go swimming in the ocean.
Buster: Bye. (Screaming.)
Narrator: And later, Michael and G.O.B. tracked down their attorney— Barry Zuckerkorn.
Barry: Thank you so much for coming down here. I’ve got a big case. I’m representing Skip Church’s restaurant.
Michael: I don’t care.
Barry: A waitress that works there is claiming that by eating Skip’s Scramble several times a week is making her a fatty.
Michael: We need to speak to you about getting a divorce for G.O.B.
Barry: Who’s their lawyer?
G.O.B.: Saul Zentsman. You know him?
Barry: I have Chinese with him every Friday night at Miss Temple’s. He’s tough.
G.O.B.: I just want my wife back.
Barry: Hey, let’s save it for the stand, okay, Tom Jane.
Barry: Fine. I’ll get into this as soon as I lose this case. You know who’d defending the fatty? Maggie Lizer.
Michael: Maggie Lizer— our old prosecutor?
Narrator: Michael had an affair with Maggie Lizer while she was both pretending to be blind, and prosecuting the family. It was with her he’d first set the three time record.
Michael: Yes!
Narrator: Their relationship ended somewhat abruptly.
Michael: Wow, how does she look?
Barry: Well, she’s got... If you ask me, bigger.
Narrator: She was bigger...
Judge Ping: Are you sure you’re okay to go on?
Narrator: ...because she was pregnant.
Maggie: It’s not my belly we have to worry about, Your Honor. It’s Loretta’s. Being tempted day in and day out by those Skip’s Scrambles. Bring ’em in, boys.
Barry: Oh, I’m cooked.
Narrator: And so Michael caught up with his one-time lover.
Michael: How you doing? Wow, you look fantastic.
Maggie: Wow, I haven’t seen you since we had an affair and you ruined my career.
Michael: Yeah, I was going to call you a couple times, and then I just... I just... I got to thinking that... what if she brings that up?
Maggie: To tell you the truth, I am so relieved not to be pretending to be blind anymore. It’s actually taught me not to rely on cheap tricks to get the jury’s sympathy.
Juror #4: Sorry. I know I’m not supposed to do this, but we just spend so much time in that box. I knitted you something.
