The Young Man and the Seal
Episode Transcript
Written by Chuck Martin and Mitchell Hurwitz.
G.O.B.: Maeby?
Narrator: And Michael traced the phone number he found on the note to an address.
Michael: Thank you, Mr. Parmesan.
Michael: Okay. In there is the father of the child that Maggie wants me to help her raise. And he probably doesn’t know she’s gotten another man involved, so, I want you to stay here. Enjoy the adventure from the car. This one could get a little ugly. Hey, I’d like to see that cop at Maggie’s do detective work this good.
Michael: Oh, come on. Is this your phone number?
Officer Taylor: Hey, I told you at the bar, I left that on Maggie’s door. And why are you hanging around Maggie’s house anyway?
Michael: I’m sorry. I’m in this crazy relationship. She wants me to raise this child with her because there’s no father...
Officer Taylor: No father?
Michael: I thought I’d come here...
Officer Taylor: There’s a father. There’s two fathers. David.
Officer Carter: I’m making gravy.
Officer Taylor: That bitch is going to keep our child.
Officer Carter: I knew she was up to something.
Narrator: Michael had tracked down the couple who’d hired Maggie to carry their child.
Michael: So that’s why you guys were staking out her house?
Officer Carter: She hasn’t returned our calls. There’s something about her I just don’t trust.
Michael: I’ll say. She said she doesn’t know who the father is.
Officer Taylor: In a funny way, neither do we. We just gave her a mixed cocktail— two parts Taylor...
Officer Carter: ... two parts Carter ...
Officer Taylor: ...and let her do her thing.
Officer Carter: We decided we’d never want to know which of us is the real father.
Michael: Well, why should you? I just hope you find out which one of you can breast feed. (Chuckles.)
Officer Taylor: You know, we’re in a loving relationship, and just because we don’t have breasts does not mean we cannot nourish our child.
Michael: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean... Listen, I don’t want you guys to worry about getting that child back from Maggie because I’m going to help you.
Officer Taylor: Wow, what a... good guy.
Michael: I know. And for once, I’m one lie ahead of Maggie Lizer’s lies.
Narrator: In fact, Michael was one lie behind her.
Barry: And what if I told you that Loretta was not fat but actually a very greedy woman in a very cheap fat suit. What, do you think I’m kidding? Huh?
Loretta: What are you doing?
Barry: Okay, so she’s fat.
Maggie: Your Honor, this is an outrage!
Barry: Wow, did I lose this one.
Judge Ping: Mr. Zuckerkorn, you’ve been warned about touching.
Barry: You said spanking.
Maggie: I want this case thrown out immediately.
Narrator: In fact, Loretta wasn’t overweight...
Loretta: Oh, no, Maggie, my water just broke.
Maggie: Quickly, Your Honor, quickly throw it out.
Narrator: ...but was carrying the child that Maggie was supposed to. You see, it was Loretta’s urine that Tobias and Lindsay ended up testing. A fact they missed when they were making out in the shower. And Maggie did buy the fat suit to serve as her pregnancy belly.
Maggie: All right, this is going back.
Narrator: But soon upgraded to a higher quality latex model.
