Episode Transcript
Written by Barbie Feldman Adler and Abraham Higginbotham.
Revision: 1.8
Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s... Arrested Development.
Narrator: Michael Bluth had set up a meeting with Cal Cullen, owner of one of the largest parcels of land in Orange County.
Michael: Well, I hope that I can prove to you that we have a very impressive company.
Cal Cullen: Well, your family did not come off well on last night’s Scandalmakers.
Narrator: Scandalmakers was a show that reenacted headline-grabbing stories. The latest was about the Bluth family, the rights of which had been signed away by Tobias, in exchange for the part of George, Sr.
Scandalmakers Narrator: When allegations surfaced that he’d illegally built homes in Iraq, George Bluth Sr., assisted by his secretary, Kitty, escaped the country...
Narrator: Due to poor acting, the burden of the story was placed on the narrator.
Scandalmakers Narrator: ...only to be found hiding under one of the homes that he himself built.
Narrator: He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show’s narrator was known for.
Tobias: (As George, Sr.) I cannot survive under the house. Perhaps an attic shall I seek.
Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.
Michael: But we’re back on track, and we are scandal free.
Lucille: Hey! You start the meeting without me?
Michael: Mother, uh, this is Cal Cullen. You remember my mother, Lucille. We’re right in the middle of talking about this exciting giveaway spa package to entice buyers.
Lucille: You know, he’s never taken me anywhere. Oh, no, we have to live “high and dry.”
Cal Cullen: Well, you’re certainly not dry. Michael, I’m not a prude, but it’s 1 in the afternoon. Is your mother drunk?
Lucille: I’d have to get up pretty early to get drunk by 1 o’clock.
Narrator: As it turns out, she had gotten up early and had taken pain medication because of a hangover-related headache. However, she mistook the “drowsy eye” alcohol warning for a “winking-eye” alcohol suggestion. Fortunately, she had the good sense not to drive herself to the meeting.
Lucille: No. I’ll call for a car.
Narrator: Unfortunately, this was after a failed attempt to do so.
Lucille: (Sighs.) Who the hell put...?
Cal Cullen: Michael, I’m sorry. I cannot do business with you. I mean, I couldn’t afford to end up on Scandalmakers.
Lucille: Oh, you could afford to do anything you want.
Lucille: You’re just a big chicken. Uh-coodle-doodle-doo... uh-coodle-doodle-doo, uh-coodle-doodle-doo... uh-coo...
Narrator: Michael realized that it might be time to deal with his mother’s apparent problem.
Michael: Okay, that seems as good a place as any to end the meeting.
Tapping hand on table.
Michael::And we’ll just say, “Mom, we all feel this way.”
Lindsay: No, I am not doing another intervention with her. Last time I felt terrible for a week.
Narrator: One year earlier the family had tried an intervention.
Michael: Are you pouring a drink? What are you doing?
G.O.B.: What if she’s mad?
Lindsay: Good point.
Tobias: Perhaps I’ll have a little sip of something.
Michael: Guys, what could she do to us? Do we have anything single malt?
Narrator: And although the intervention didn’t work...
Michael: We think you have a prollen.
G.O.B.: You’re a mesh...
Narrator: ... it turned into one of the Bluth family’s better parties.
