Episode Transcript
Written by Barbie Feldman Adler and Abraham Higginbotham.
Buster: (Laughing.)
Michael: Well, maybe an intervention is the wrong approach. What about rehab? She was just a mess at the meeting. Where were you, by the way? Yeah, I could’ve used your help with Mom.
G.O.B.: I believe I told you I was gonna be out for the holidays. It’s spring break. Not that I can enjoy it. My reputation has been ruined by that jerk Phillip Litt who put my one magic show flub on his DVD.
Narrator: G.O.B. had performed a magic act at an earlier spring break to get exposure on the best-selling video series “Girls With Low Self-Esteem.”
G.O.B.: ...or two flubs, or whatever.
Narrator: There were seven flubs, and after the show, he signed a release.
G.O.B.: Now, you’re not going to use the time that I screwed up, right?
Phillip Litt: That wasn’t part of the act? Oh, come on, man. I’d never do anything to embarrass you. Please...
G.O.B.: Oh... Uh, you don’t know a good bird hospital, do you?
Phillip Litt: You’re getting all this, right?
Tobias: Well, at least the Orange County Register didn’t say of your performance, “if this is who George, Sr. is, let’s hope he remains missing.” Meanwhile, they loved Dave Attell’s “risky choice” of wearing cutoffs while portraying me.
Narrator: In fact, Mr. Attell was portraying Tobias’ actual “never-nude” affliction. But this perplexed the Scandalmakers audience, due to the unfocused nature of the narrator’s explanation.
G.O.B.: No, I think mine’s worse. You should have seen what happened to me on the boardwalk today. They were laughing at me. Me!
Michael: (Chuckling.)
Lindsay: (Laughs.) Those tapes are awful. Women tricked into taking their tops off. I have a daughter I don’t want corrupted by the media.
Narrator: Unbeknownst to Lindsay, Maeby was a fairly prominent member of the media as she had secretly conned her way into a job as a film executive.
Mort Meyers: This Young Man on the Beach script sucks. She goes with a guy just because he says she’s awesome? You call that dialogue?
Maeby: Hey, I didn’t write it.
Mort Meyers: No, but you’re gonna fix it. It’s a spring break movie. Get down there and find out what they sound like.
Maeby: Oh, yeah, right. Do you really think I look college-aged?
Mort Meyers: I’m not drunk. But I’m willing to be. Hint.
Maeby: Oh, Mort. You’re going to be so easy to blackmail. Hint.
Lindsay: This pig Phillip Litt is out there asking girls to take their tops off. It’s an outrage.
G.O.B.: Well, of course you feel that way. You’re jealous. You’re a surfboard.
G.O.B.: But, I do agree, he is a pig... Hey, what the hell was that for?
Michael: Can we stop worrying about Girls with Low Self-Esteem, and start focusing on sobering up the woman who gave us ours? No, seriously what do you think about rehab?
Tobias: Well, she won’t go willingly, I can tell you that.
G.O.B.: May I make a suggestion? Get implants. Really.
G.O.B.: What...?! Come on, this stuff is expensive.
Narrator: And so Michael set out to convince his mother that she needed help.
Michael: Hello? Hello? I have a surprise for you.
Lucille: Did I win the prize?
Michael: You won the prize!
Lucille: I won the prize! I won the prize!
Michael: Hmm...
Lucille: For what?
Michael: We were going to give one employee a week at the spa. We were even going to put them in the ad. But then I thought, “What about Mom? She’s elegant, she deserves it.” I was going to tell you at the office, but then I thought “No... if I bring her around now, she might vomit on the overhead projector. Let’s just wait until she’s crawling around on her own.”
Lucille: I’m so embarrassed about that. I don’t think I was supposed to drink with my medication.
Narrator: Actually, it wasn’t even her medication.
Lucille: Of course, I can’t take Oscar to an elegant place. His only remaining pair of pants blew apart the other day.
Michael: I was thinking that I would go with you for the week.
Lucille: Oh...
Buster: So, what, I just stay here alone? I’m not exactly equipped to run this place by myself. You can’t just leave me here alone!
