Episode Transcript
Written by Barbie Feldman Adler and Abraham Higginbotham.
Buster: Have a great trip.
Narrator: But it wouldn’t turn out to be a great trip at all.
Clerk: Hello, welcome to Shady Pines Rehab.
Michael: Hello. Checking in.
Lucille: Rehab?! This isn’t a spa?
Michael: No, Mom!
Lucille: This isn’t a spa!
Voices: Get her! Get her!
Michael: Ma!
Voices: We got a runner. Let’s go. Get some men out.
Narrator: As Michael’s mother was being held against her will, George, Sr. was about to be confronted with a similar problem.
George, Sr.: Kitty? How did you find me?
Kitty: I thought you were dead, until I saw Scandalmakers. They got so much wrong, but something about your son-in-law’s comment, “perhaps an attic shall I seek,” had the ring of truth to it.
Narrator: Notice it wasn’t something the narrator said.
Kitty: You abandoned me in Mexico.
George, Sr.: Kitty, honey, I-I know you’re mad.
Kitty: Stop talking, George! You stop talking! I am in charge now. You’re coming with me.
George, Sr.: No, I can’t. I can’t. I have... I have a life here. There are people who-who depend on me.
Kitty: Fine. But I can’t make any promises about what happens to that cooler of evidence I have.
George, Sr.: If I could... just have a moment to say good-bye...
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the banana stand, Maeby was hoping to find some witty banter with which to authenticate her feature film.
College Kid #1: I want the hot chick to serve me.
Maeby: What other words would you use to describe me?
George Michael: Um, she’s 15. And she’s my cousin.
College Kid #1: So?
George Michael: So, you can’t touch your cousin— my cousin. You can’t...
George Michael: You know, you don’t have to stick around. I could just work late tonight. It doesn’t matter, ’cause, you know, my girlfriend Ann, she’s out of town. Which is actually kind of lucky in the end, ’cause all these guys would be coming on to her.
Maeby: Yeah, you really dodged a bullet there.
Narrator: Nearby, Phillip Litt was making his latest video.
Phillip Litt: Okay, everybody, gather around, gather around. Ladies, here’s the deal. We have hats. You have breasts. You show your breasts, you get a hat, okay? So, if anybody wants to get back at daddy... now’s the time. Whoo! Wait. Cut, cut, cut. We’ve got a surfboard in the shot.
Crew Member: Surfboard, stop tape.
Lindsay: We’re here to stop you from taking advantage of these girls.
Phillip Litt: You know what? You’re sassy, you’re sexy. You speak your mind. There’s nothing hotter. Give her a hat, Barry.
Lindsay: I don’t want a hat. I want you to leave these women alone.
Phillip Litt: I’m giving them a chance to be idolized, which is an opportunity these women are never gonna have again.
Eileen: I want to be idolized!
Phillip Litt: Yeah, you do!
Phillip Litt: Come on, girls!
Lindsay: This is no way to get your daddies to notice you!
