Episode Transcript
Written by Barbie Feldman Adler and Abraham Higginbotham.
Lucille: So what do you need me for? He’s not taking the monkey drug anymore. And you’re the one who’s got him, not me.
Kitty: Oh, you know why. He won’t touch me. He said he doesn’t cheat on his wife anymore.
Lucille: He said that?
Voices: (Yelling.) Drinking contest!
Narrator: And Michael met up with G.O.B. to try and find their father.
G.O.B.: I got it. From the banana stand freezer. The exact same kind of cooler that’s in the photo with Dad.
Michael: What do we need another cooler for?
G.O.B.: Oh, poor Michael. You do not think like a magician. Such a “How dey do dat.”
Michael: Uh-huh.
G.O.B.: It’s a classic bait and switch. This is a decoy cooler. We take it in, switch it with the one from the photo and get out of there. Kitty comes back, everything’s normal. It’s like we were never there.
Michael: But Dad’s gone.
G.O.B.: Long gone. But it buys us all the time in the world. I got it back, Mikey, the self-confidence. I am a magician.
Michael: No, I’m saying, when Kitty comes back and notices that Dad’s gone, the first thing she’s going to do is check the cooler to see if the evidence is there. It buys us, like, one second.
G.O.B.: I’m a worthless magician.
Michael: Not true.
G.O.B.: No, I can’t even do one simple trick.
Michael: Now come on, now, please.
G.O.B.: I’m covered with sweat.
Michael: Don’t say that about yourself. Look at me. It’s a great trick. Would’ve been flawless if you had a decoy Dad, too.
G.O.B.: Damn it, and I used a guy who looked just like him in my last bait and switch.
Oscar: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
G.O.B.: Well, I’m no longer needed here.
Narrator: Lucille, minutes out of rehab, was engaging in a drinking contest at the behest of her son.
Narrator: While right outside the bar...
Maeby: I know what the shape of a banana reminds you of, and I know that when I say “nuts” it makes you giggle...
College Kid #4: (Giggles.)
Maeby: ... but do you have any other response to “Here’s a banana with nuts?”
College Kid #4: (Whoops loudly.)
Maeby: Why are we even going after this idiot demographic?
George Michael: Maeby, don’t you get it? They’re not even eating these. They just like saying “bananas” and “nuts,” and I won’t... I won’t tell you why. That’s your father’s job.
Tobias: Come on. Let’s see some bananas and nuts. Oh, perhaps we should just pull their pants off.
Phillip Litt: Hey. What the hell do you think you’re doing? This is where we shoot.
Lindsay: Yeah, well, you’ve got competition now, ’cause we’re making our own video.
Phillip Litt: Will you just get over it. It’s nudity. Just because you’re ashamed of your body, doesn’t mean everyone should be.
Tobias: Oh, really? Well, let’s see how you feel about what you’re packing.
Lindsay: (Gasps.) You’re a bleeping never-nude?
