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For British Eyes Only

Episode Transcript

Written by Richard Day and Mitchell Hurwitz.

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Narrator: ...years earlier.

Coco: Are you going to buy this time, or you just curious?

Tobias: I suppose I’m, uh... buy-curious.

Vote: ***** / Average: 4.58 (208 votes)

Tobias: (Chuckles.) I have a big TV opportunity.

Coco: This is where all the big TV’s come.

Vote: ***** / Average: 4.55 (75 votes)

Tobias: Uh, let’s start with the Eve Arden.

Coco: All right.

Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, called his sister.

Michael: I wanted to call and tell you that I got myself a date with a beautiful woman named Rita, and you’re the chicken, not me. Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck...

Horn honking.

Michael: (Screams.)

Lindsay: Okay, that’s a pretty good chicken.

Michael: Watch out!

Horn honks.

Voices: Crazy Brit!

Michael: What’s the problem?

Trevor: I know what you were doing back there. If you’ve got half a bleeping brain, you’ll leave it alone.

Michael: You talking about back in Wee Britain? I was just asking a few questions.

Trevor: Yeah, a few too many, if you ask me. How would you like someone going after some stupid person in your family? Now, back off, you bleeping ponce!

Michael: Wow! Dad was not kidding about their breath.


Narrator: Michael had just been threatened by a foul-mouthed British man.

G.O.B.: It’s Michael. I’m not dressed.

Michael: G.O.B., this is Michael. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your “Free Bird” trick?

G.O.B.: I couldn’t get the rights to “Free Bird.”

Michael: Oh.

G.O.B.: I’m thinking about calling it “Free...” I don’t know, “Chicken.” I thought you were investigating Dad’s sinister British connection.

Michael: Yeah, I tried, but... but when I was leaving, one of those British guys came after me and told me to back off. Can’t believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This might be dangerous.

G.O.B.: So you came back here to hide like a child.

Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?

G.O.B.: Hiding from a child. Big difference.

Vote: ***** / Average: 4.35 (49 votes)

Michael: G.O.B., Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.

G.O.B.: He doesn’t know what he feels! I’m tired of being told...

G.O.B.: My God, what is this feeling?

Michael: Well, you know the-the feeling that you’re... that you’re feeling is-is what many of us call “a feeling.”

Vote: ***** / Average: 3.64 (55 votes)

G.O.B.: But it’s not like envy, or even hungry.

Michael: Could it be love?

G.O.B.: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it’s the opposite. It’s... it’s like my heart is getting hard. Maybe I am ready to be a father.

Vote: ***** / Average: 4.66 (305 votes)

George Michael: Hey, Dad?

Michael: It’s my son, G.O.B. What is it with the fathers in this family? Always trying to deceive their...

Narrator: And that’s when Michael realized that the man who threatened him must have been hired by George, Sr.

Michael: I’m the patsy. Well, I got to go. George Michael, I’m sorry, but we’re going to talk about that girl later, okay?

G.O.B.: Now all I have to do is find that look-alike, Michael.

Tobias: Michael... Hey!

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