Episode Transcript
Written by Richard Day and Mitchell Hurwitz.
Narrator: And Michael confronted his father.
George, Sr.: Find out anything?
Michael: Yeah, I did, Dad. I found out that no matter how many times I promise myself that I’m not going to fall for it, I always end up getting hustled by you.
George, Sr.: What are you talking about?
Michael: The guy that you hired to threaten me after I looked into the British connection.
George, Sr.: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Somebody threatened you?
Michael: That’s a wonderful performance, Dad. You’re a regular Brad Garrett. But I don’t watch TV at 3:00 in the afternoon. And you can forget about pleading not guilty.
George, Sr.: Guilty, we got to plead guilty.
Michael: What?
George, Sr.: Michael, I didn’t hire anyone. I-I-I swear. If someone came after you, they’re for real.
Michael: Come on, you’re serious?
George, Sr.: I told you, these are bad guys. They do not want this information out.
Michael: He said that he was going to come after somebody stupid in our family— that could be Buster.
George, Sr.: Could be G.O.B.
Michael: You’re not guilty.
George, Sr.: We have to plead guilty.
Michael: We’ve got to plead guilty.
George, Sr.: We’ve got to throw ourselves on the mercy of the court.
Michael: We got to get Andy Griffith.
George, Sr.: Andy Griffith in the suit.
Narrator: And Michael went to cancel with Rita.
Michael: Sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not going to be needing your passport, after all. We’re just going to go to court, plead guilty— that’ll be that.
Rita: So it’s bye-bye to Rita, then?
Michael: Yes, I’ll shake your hand good-bye, but actually, I was wondering if-if you might want to...
Rita: I wouldn’t. I’ll make you blue.
Narrator: Rita was just talking about the fingerpaint, but Michael didn’t know that.
Michael: I was just wondering if you might want to bid me fair ’morrow. That’s all. See ya.
Narrator: Michael was filled with self-loathing. Had he been Jack the Ripper he would have soothed himself in a most unsavory way. But instead, he just sat in his car and ate a whole thing of candy beans.
Narrator: And back at the penthouse, G.O.B. had been called to see his father.
George, Sr.: It’s a new plan, right? You put me in the trick. You make me the guy in the cage.
G.O.B.: Okay, I just got to say I’m really blown away by this. You really want to be part of my world.
George, Sr.: I do.
G.O.B.: God, I feel like my heart is straining through my shirt.
George, Sr.: They take the ankle monitor off when I get to court, so you make me disappear, you put Tobias in the cage— and by the time they realize that that guy is not me, I’m running through the storm drains to freedom.
G.O.B.: Where every day it rains... pennies from heaven. It was... “bird” today...
Tobias: G.O.B., I know you’re looking for a twin for your illusion, and there’s somebody I’d like to put in a plug for. Uh, correction— make that 4,000 plugs.
G.O.B.: Oh, God.
George, Sr.: Oh, come on!
Lupe: Meestagay , he’s bleeding! Meestagay...!
Tobias: No, no, no, no. I-I was scared too, but I realized it was of being a leading man. Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading man parts in my mouth.
George, Sr.: All right, listen to me, the trick has changed. We want you to play me now.
Tobias: Oh, but that would mean I’d have to sh... shave my very tender head. I see, okay. Well, perhaps I jumped the gun on those new head shots.
Narrator: And later that day, Michael arrived at the courthouse with his sister.
