Episode Transcript
Written by Richard Day and Mitchell Hurwitz.
Lindsay: I can’t believe you’re just giving up like this.
Michael: The guy threatened our family. We have to plead guilty.
Lindsay: No, I’m talking about that girl you said you had a date with.
Michael: All right, so I lied— it wasn’t a date.
Lindsay: But you could have made one with her. I think that Poppuns knocked the courage out of you.
Michael: I guess I’m just not in her league. How did you hear about the Poppuns?
Lindsay: It was on the news.
- BBC
- In John Beard’s report, the footage is courtesy of “WeeBBC,” a play on BBC.
John Beard: An unlicensed Mary Poppuns takes down another tourist. Is this the work of the Itsy-Bitsy IRA?
Michael: I don’t want to talk about this right now. Dad, we’re going to go in there— Andy Griffith’s going to whisper something, we’re going to plead guilty, nice and simple.
George, Sr.: You didn’t hear, we lost Andy.
Michael: What? What are you talking about? He didn’t like his trailer.
Lindsay: He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator: No one was making fun of Andy Griffith. I can’t emphasize that enough.
Lucille: Oh, God, don’t look now, but G.O.B.’s doing his magic show.
George, Sr.: Oh, boy, a stupid magic show. We got to watch this.
Lindsay: A big turnout.
Michael: I think a lot of people are probably here for the free chicken.
G.O.B.: Gather ’round, humans... and I will show you the plight of an innocent man who yearns to be free... as a bird! I’ve got to start labeling these suits. Who shall I send on this journey to that dangling cage?
George, Sr.: Oh, pick me. Oh! Look, can I be in his stupid trick? Please?
G.O.B.: Steve Holt, what are you doing here?
Steve Holt: I just came to see the magic show. I didn’t know it was you.
G.O.B.: Do you like magic?
- No. I love it!
- When G.O.B. asks Steve Holt if he likes magic, Steve’s response of “No, I love it” parallels Carl Weathers’s response to Lucille 2 about ham. Not that there’s any parallel between magic and ham.
Steve Holt: No. I love it!
Narrator: And at that moment, G.O.B. chose to show his own son what he was capable of.
G.O.B.: I’ve decided I will be performing the feat myself!
Tobias: Wait... we’re back to hair?
Narrator: Fortunately for Tobias, however, he’d found it too painful to part with his new hair.
Tobias: Boy, did I catch a break.
Narrator: So he opted to wear a bald cap.
G.O.B.: This chicken shall be wrongly cooped.
Voices: What’s in his hand? Is that chicken?
Steve Holt: Oh, my God! Dad, are you all right?
Tobias: I fooled his own son. I am a leading man.
Narrator: And G.O.B. himself was running through the storm drains, free as a chicken.
G.O.B.: Sounds too good. I’m not ready.
Narrator: And George, Sr. needed to escape, too.
Lucille: I got him.
Lucille: Keeps him out of the kitchen.
Narrator: And Michael, seeing what a life of cowardice leads to, decided he’d had enough of it. And soon, George, Sr. came to, and it was time to render a plea.
George, Sr.: Oh, no.
Michael: Hmm?
