Episode Transcript
Written by Tom Saunders.
Michael: Look, I’ve got to get rid of any evidence of my family and quickly— including you guys. Get out of here.
Tobias: See, now that’s how you stand up to Mother.
Narrator: Meanwhile, worried about Steve Holt’s sexual expectations, Maeby tried to cancel her date.
Maeby: My whole family and I now have to go to my grandma’s house, ’cause my uncle lost his hand.
Steve Holt: Awesome! So you and I can party alone at your house.
- movie script
- Maeby’s script for Losing It! by Judd Apacow has been renamed The 14-Year-Old Virgin while The Sexual Assault of Abigail F. by Kallie Korrie has been renamed Losing It!
Narrator: Maeby was too young to know what to do. Ironically, in her after-school job as a movie studio executive, she’d just green-lit two films that dealt with that very issue.
Maeby: Rock the house.
Steve Holt: All right.
Narrator: George Michael also didn’t know what to do. If he pointed out that the two were cousins to drive them apart, he might be burning the very bridge that he one day hoped to cross.
Steve Holt: George Michael. I’m doing your cousin tonight.
George Michael: So are you.
Steve Holt: What?
George Michael: She’s your cousin, too.
Narrator: Back at the penthouse, party preparations were underway.
Lucille: He’s not wearing that to the party. I’ve go the exact same thing.
Buster: No, he was just analraping me. Then Michael barged in, and kicked us out so he could shred all the evidence.
Lucille: Shred the evidence?
George, Sr.: Thought he didn’t want us to do that.
G.O.B.: He didn’t want us to get into trouble. He’s taking the heat.
Lindsay: He’s doing that for us? And on the night of his date with Rita.
Lucille: Who he didn’t want to bring over here. Probably because, let’s face it, you people haven’t been great with the others.
G.O.B.: Well, in our defense, Mom, we’re not exactly dog people.
Lindsay: We have got to start being nicer.
Lucille: I’m starting right now. Buster, the party’s not for you anymore. It’s a “Welcome Rita” party.
Lindsay: I know where she works. We can pick her up and surprise her.
Buster: You’re so right. This is better an a party for me.
Tobias: Come on. Grow a pair.
George, Sr.: You know, need some weather balloons for this party and maybe a tank of hydrogen. You know, really float those suckers.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael was hiding the evidence wherever he could when he heard from his brother.
G.O.B.: (On answering machine.) Hey, friend. G.O.B. We really want you at the party. We’re really nice now, and God, we love you.
Michael: Oh, damn it.
Narrator: And the family picked up Rita in the only vehicle big enough to hold them all.
Lindsay: Hey, excuse me, Rita.
Rita: I’m Rita.
Lindsay: We’re here to pick you up for Michael. You can just go in the cabin.
Rita: Michael?
Lucille: Oh, he’s not here. We’re his family.
Rita: His family?
G.O.B.: We’re nice.
Rita: I’m sorry. I have to leave.
Lucille: Oh, no, you can’t leave. Drive, Lindsay.
Children: Bye!
