Written by Rob Weiner.
Buster: So I’m supposed to find some poor, innocent soul and hook him?
Lucille: Well, that’s not going to help sign anyone. Where’s your hand?
Buster: Oh, it got stuck in the prize hole again.
Lucille: I told you not to play that stupid game anymore.
Buster: Ah! There goes number three.
Michael: Hi, sorry, sorry, totally forgot about this meeting. What’s going on?
Bob Loblaw: Your father’s gotten a lot of bad press because of the escape attempts. Volunteer for something.
Larry: I’ll do anything to get out of this bleeping apartment.
Lucille: You’ll do anything to get out of bleeping in this apartment.
Larry: Ah, you’re drunk.
Michael: Yeah, Mom, can you just... And Dad... You know, why do we even need the surrogate? You know, Dad’s in the apartment.
Larry: Don’t come in here.
George, Sr.: Don’t come in here. I said not to come in.
Michael: Would you get out here, please?
George, Sr.: I’m watching the game.
Larry: I said not to come in.
Michael: I did not spending money on a surrogate so you can hust...
Larry: I’m watching the game. I lost him.
Michael: You’ve got your hands full trying to make this guy look good.
Bob Loblaw: There’s a “Startled Straight” program at the fair, which involves you speaking with at-risk male youth to scare them away from criminal behavior.
George, Sr.: Okay, I can do that. Uh, I’m gonna need some big blown up photos of your mother.
Michael: They’re talking about your time in prison, Dad.
George, Sr.: Oh, okay. Why not? I mean, uh, if I don’t win this thing, I’m gonna be back there anyway.
Narrator: And that’s when Buster discovered a recruiting pool the government had been fishing for years.
Buster: I may head down there, too.
Michael: I don’t know, Dad, Startled Straight? I’m not sure you’re the guy for that, but I’ll look into it while I’m down at the fair signing up for a triathlon.
George, Sr.: Triathlon? Do you know how hard a triathlon is? People lose control of every bodily function. Didn’t you ever see that video?
George, Sr.: It’s like your mother on New Year’s Eve.
Narrator: Actually, Lucille went down faster.
George, Sr.: You’re not even in shape! You’re gonna fall apart in front of everybody.
Michael: You’re kind of scaring me, Dad.
George, Sr.: You see? Perfect for this Startled Straight thing.
Narrator: Tobias was getting Ann ready for the talent portion of the pageant.
Tobias: I think we need something with a little more spectacle in the act. Something that will make you look small and pretty in comparison. A camel.
George Michael: You know, she has a really lovely singing voice.
Ann 2.0: I’ll sing to the camel.
Tobias: Yes, we can Google some disco songs with the word “hump” in them.
Ann 2.0: Cute.
George Michael: No, that sounds a bit racy.
Tobias: Okay. He may be afraid of sex, but you’re not going to win without it.