Episode Transcript
Written by Rob Weiner.
Tobias: Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it, go. Get in there. Have some sex with her right now. I didn’t think so. Ann, you need to decide whether you want a man or a boy. I know how I’d answer.
Ann 2.0: Give us some room, George Michael, I can’t breathe.
Tobias: Okay, now you’re upsetting the talent. Out! Get out!
Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, had begun training for the triathlon to keep from humiliating himself in front of Rita.
Steve Holt: Don’t ask “can I?” Ask “I can!” You can control your bladder when you’re dead. No blood, no oil! There’s no “I” in “win.”
Narrator: Michael returned confident in his manliness, when he ran into his son, who was questioning his own.
Michael: Hey, how is that pageant going?
George Michael: Well... turns out Ann doesn’t want me around during it.
Michael: Really?
George Michael: Hey, now you and me can go to that fair together tomorrow, after all.
Michael: Yeah?
George Michael: Yeah, do some man stuff.
Michael: Hey, actually, I have already signed up for the father-son triathlon.
George Michael: Oh, okay, great, yeah, I did want to do that with you.
Michael: I mean, I’ve already promised Steve Holt. I thought he was older, and... more manly.
George Michael: You don’t think I’m manly?
Michael: No, no, it’s just, uh... Darn that Annabelle, she ruins everything!
Narrator: But the next morning, Michael awoke to discover every muscle in his body was exacting revenge.
Michael: Ow.
Narrator: And so was his brother, G.O.B.
Michael: Hey, does anyone know why my handlebars are in my bed?!
Narrator: The Church and State Fair was in full swing.
Hope: (Singing.) The Lord has a place / but my body wants to go / all state on you / The Lord has a place / but my body wants to go / all state on you.
Narrator: And Lindsay watched with pride as Hope Loblaw did an original number that Lindsay herself had written.
Hope: (Singing.) / All state... on you. /
Rev. Rob Patterson: And now, please welcome Annabelle Veal, performing “We Three Kings” with a camel tow.
Ann 2.0: / We three kings... /
Narrator: Michael arrived at the fair, sore from over-training.
Michael: Can’t really go that high. I’m in a lot of pain, here.
Steve Holt: Yeah, you know, I figured you’d be that way, so, uh— Coach gave me these. They’re, uh, pills filled with oxygen.
Michael: Yeah?
Steve Holt: They keep you from being incontinent. Have one, they’re called Oxy-Incontinent.
Narrator: Steve didn’t have that quite right.
Narrator: But Michael thought Rita might be coming, and he was desperate to impress her. Meanwhile, Maeby was trying to get knocked out of the pageant.
Pope Impersonator: Pope Impersonator, Church. How has God influenced your life?
Maeby: About just as much as Big Bird and the Keebler elves.
Pope Impersonator: Well, my faith would’ve been shaken if He had taken my legs, too.
G.O.B.: G.O.B. Bluth. State. I was betrayed by my brother, Michael! Who’s your favorite family member, and why?
Maeby: Definitely not my shallow, materialistic mother, who only cares about looks.
G.O.B.: I think we all feel that way about our mothers, and we all have legs.
Narrator: Meanwhile, George, Sr. arrived at the Startled Straight tent.
Buster: I’ll be waiting out here with my enlistment forms, so go in there and scare them right into my open arm!
Narrator: But as it turns out, the fair had two Startled Straight tents. And George, Sr. had wandered into the church-sponsored one...
George, Sr.: Do you want to become some guy’s girlfriend?
