Written by Rob Weiner.
Narrator: ...intended to scare gay young men into a heterosexual lifestyle.
George, Sr.: You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?
Teen Boy #1: Is he ugly?
George, Sr.: No, it’s pitch black. You don’t see him, and it never stops, guys. And everybody acts like it’s no big deal.
Teen Boy #1: Is there a cover charge?
Narrator: And the Inner Beauty Pageant was down to the final three.
Rev. Rob Patterson: Will it be the beautiful Hope Loblaw? The stalwart Annabelle Veal? Or the justifiably-bitter Surely Woolfbeak?
Narrator: It became clear that Surely was going to win.
Maeby: I’m sorry. This is wrong.
Narrator: And that’s when Maeby displayed some real inner beauty.
Maeby: One of these girls deserves to win.
Voices: She can stand! The Lord’s blessed her!
Tobias: That’s how I know her.
G.O.B.: Let us pray.
Maeby: Oh, for God’s sake.
Narrator: And Michael, now feeling a little woozy, arrived to see the triathlon course, which consisted of several tricycles, five inflatable pools...
Michael: What the hell is this?
Narrator: ...and fathers and sons being manacled together.
Steve Holt: Don’t let it psyche you out. Did that Oxy-Incontinent set in yet?
Michael: You knew this is what the race was?
Steve Holt: Kind of... I mean, they change it every year, so you can’t replicate it on your lawn, but...
Michael: Why did you let me train so hard?
Steve Holt: I just thought you wanted to hang out and do guy stuff.
Michael: This isn’t guy stuff.
Steve Holt: I don’t know why I thought you’d want to do this. It’s stupid, huh?
Michael: No, Steve, Steve... you’re not going anywhere.
Steve Holt: You’ll do it with me?
Michael: We’re chained together. But, you know, Rita’s not here yet, and what the hell— Let’s go win this thing.
Steve Holt: Let’s win this thing!
Steve Holt: What the hell! Let’s win this thing.
Michael: Come on, let’s go ahead and start up.
Narrator: And, after the pageant, George Michael went to congratulate Ann.
George Michael: Well, congratulations on coming in third. That’s amazing. And I heard you’re the first camel act to ever crack the top ten, too, so that’s like a record. And I’m a bit relieved, because, um... I was... I thought maybe if you came in first you would have outgrown me.
Ann 2.0: Outgrown you.
George Michael: Mm-hmm.
Ann 2.0: That is the term I’ve been looking for.
Narrator: It seems G.O.B. was right about what happens to third-place contestants.
Ann 2.0: I met a man.
Narrator: George Michael was devastated. It seemed he’d lost his girl and his father because he wasn’t man enough. And he was faced with a choice. Michael and Steve Holt finished their triathlon in first place. Of course, they were way older.
Michael: Believe it or not, that took about everything I’ve got. I don’t know what was in that pill, but I do not feel great.
Steve Holt: Gonna get a little worse before it gets better.