Episode Transcript
Written by Karey Dornetto.
George, Sr.: Oh, before I forget, do you know if these cameras are hi-def?
- New Warden
- Warden Gentiles has revised his screenplay “New Warden” first seen in Staff Infection.
Warden Gentiles: I certainly hope so. It’ll help me better understand George Bluth, the main character of the latest and, I pray, final draft of my screenplay, “New Warden.”
Michael: You wrote a screenplay, huh?
Warden Gentiles: I promised myself I wasn’t going to become one of those people who were always going on about their screenplays. So, I’ll just say I put together a staged reading with some fabulous young actors, and it was very well received.
Narrator: Warden Gentiles had convinced his granddaughter’s teacher to mount New Warden as a school play.
Boy Gentiles: I understand you’ve been causing problems.
African-American Boy Inmate: Nobody sells any coke in this pen without daddy getting a taste.
Boy Gentiles: Beat him with a pillow case full of batteries.
Lucille: Ward’s letting us hold the event in the new wing of the prison. After lockdown, everyone’s going to spend the night in a cell!
George, Sr.: Are they color or black and white?
Lucille: So, Michael, I don’t need your help at all. Unless you need something from me?
Michael: No, I’m fine. Just thought I could help. Relieved I don’t have to.
Narrator: But he wasn’t relieved. So, he went home to complain to his sister Lindsay.
Michael: Prison’s the last thing we want people associating with the Bluth name. Plus, who’s going to want to go?
Maeby: Wait, this is going to be at the prison? Oh, great. Probably going to run into that warden.
Michael: How do you know the warden?
Maeby: Oh, right. Uh, he spoke at my school for a “Startled Straight” assembly.
Narrator: Actually, she’d met with him in the hopes of using his prison as a location for a film.
Warden Gentiles: I think you will find the dessert both engrossing and high grossing.
Maeby: So, we don’t get dessert?
Maeby: Guess I have some reading to do.
Michael: Besides, I doubt very much Mom’s come up with a real disease to have a fund-raiser for.
Lindsay: I forgot— we have a real disease. I chose it. G.V.H.: Graft Versus Host. It’s new, it’s fatal, and guess who’s got it?
Doctor Carr: You’ve heard of bodies rejecting transplants? Well, in this case, your transplanted hair is rejecting your body. Either you remove your hair graft, or the host— you— will get sicker and eventually die.
Lindsay: Can you think of any benefits?
Doctor Carr: Benefits? No. He’ll die.
Lindsay: Oh, yeah, no, I get that. But have there ever been any fund-raisers?
Lindsay: A husband with the headline disease. Everyone’s going to want to talk to me.
Michael: You’re making him keep the hair?
Lindsay: Did you see the attention Superman’s wife got?
Lindsay: Besides, Tobias wants it, too.
Tobias: Oh, she’s right. This is going to be great for me, because I’m going to star in the video G.O.B.’s making for the gay-la.
G.O.B.: Oh, yeah, it’ll be very uplifting. Oh, here, let me get that for you.
Tobias: Thank you. Oh! Oh! This is going hurt!
G.O.B.: You know what? We’re going to need this from another angle.
Michael: And you sure you’re okay?
Tobias: Oh, probably. I can’t feel anything. How’s my hair?
Michael: It’s fine. It’s sucking the life out of you, Tobias. I mean, everything has gone crazy, the gala, Mom and Warden Gentiles. I mean, what is in it for him? I think he’s taking advantage of Mom.
