S.O.B.s
Written by Jim Vallely and Richard Day.
George Michael: My name is George Michael Bluth. I’m a 16-year-old Caucasian male. My mom died. And I guess that’s it.
Donnie: Hardly. See, if it were me, I would say I’m Donnie Richter. I have a brother named Andy. He’s an attention hog. He can’t seem to really attract a real audience, but I love the fat S.O.B. anyway.
George Michael: I thought you looked like that guy Andy Richter. You guys are identical twins?
- Quintuplets
- Andy Richter starred in the show Quintuplets (also produced by Imagine Television) that was cancelled after one season.
Donnie: Identical quintuplets, actually.
- Chareth Cutestory
- “Chareth the flirt” refers to Michael’s pseudonym in Altar Egos when he’s flirting with Maggie Lizer.
Narrator: There was Andy the showoff, Donnie the sensitive one, Chareth the flirt, Rocky the risk-taker and Andy’s stunt double and Emmett who asked that we not show his picture. Although, composite photography tells us he’d looks something like this.
Donnie: Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to go home tonight and write something about how you really feel. Something critical. Bring it in tomorrow and read it for the group.
George Michael: Will this go toward my grade?
Donnie: (Chuckles.) We don’t have grades here. A student either learns and gets an “L,” or they fluctuate in their learning.
George Michael: What do we get for that?
Donnie: An “F.”
Music: / Mr. F. /
Narrator: Maeby, meanwhile, was about to have a learning experience oher own.
Tobias: Well, well, I understand you’ve been having trouble with that expensive boarding school. That’s right, I can read.
Maeby: Okay, first of all, Variety got it wrong, all right? We didn’t even want this project. It was a co-finance with Miramax then, poof, Miramax is gone and we’re still on the hook, and it turns out Jamie Kennedy can’t even snowboard.
Tobias: All right, I’ll listen to this later. And don’t tell me where you’ve been. It’ll just make me worry more. But guess what? There’s a new daddy in town.
Music: / A new daddy in town... /
Tobias: A discipline daddy.
Music: / A discipline daddy / Gonna spank your behind, uh-huh... /
Tobias: Oh, it’s a... it’s a parenting tape.
Tobias: If you want to skip school, that’s fine. You’ll just come to work with me.
Maeby: But you don’t have a job.
Tobias: All right, here, tell you what we’re going to do... We are going to stuff each one of these gift bags with a head shot, some glitter, and a decorative hand soap. And we’re going to send them to every casting director in town. And don’t forget the funny notes.
Maeby: “I know where you live. Ha-ha.” Casting directors hate this.
Narrator: They really do.
Casting Director: The glitter queen struck again. Never hire Tobias Fünke.
Narrator: And back at the country club, something unusual had happened.
G.O.B.: Oh, I don’t have any drugs for sale. Unless... did you expect me to follow you to your car?
Waiter #7: They’re your tips.
G.O.B.: Tips?
Narrator: And G.O.B. realized he’d accidentally worked a day in his life. Lindsay, meanwhile, was being a mother when someone showed up who needed one.
Narrator: Upstairs, George Michael was struggling with his assignment.
George Michael: Can you think of anything critical to say about my dad?
Maeby: Are you serious? I have glitter in my lungs from making goody bags for casting directors. And he’s giving me 100 more to do for homework. It’s like I don’t do my homework, George Michael does my homework.
Narrator: And that’s when he decided it was time to cheat off of her.
George Michael: You know it might help if you expressed yourself.
Narrator: It also gave him an opportunity to smell her neck.
Narrator: And the next day, Michael drove to Openings in the hopes of recruiting Donnie’s brother for the fundraiser when he noticed his son expressing himself rather well.
