S.O.B.s
Written by Jim Vallely and Richard Day.
Buster: If you don’t want her, you don’t want me either. She’s taking care of me. She glued my thumb back on.
Buster: Sister’s my new mother, Mother.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Maeby was getting tired of being with her father.
Tobias: Hello? Uh, y... uh... (Whispers to Maeby.) It’s a casting director. (Into phone.) Yes, he is available. Uh, let me put my, uh, our assistant on the phone with you. Thank you, yes. I better get changed.
Maeby: (Into phone.) Thanks, Deb. Yeah. So he’s Tortured Victim #4, right? No, that’s great. Yeah, he’s really into discipline.
Narrator: And George Michael was about to get some discipline, too.
Michael: You are no longer going to that school. I don’t want to get into a big discussion about it. It’s just not right for you.
George Michael: Is this because I cheated off Maeby? Because I’ve never done that before, Dad, I swear. I just couldn’t think of anything to write about you, so I asked her to write it about her dad.
Michael: You cheated?
George Michael: Yeah, it was stupid of me. Now Donnie’s met you. I mean, he’s never going to believe that you were ever up for a part in Wicked.
Michael: Yeah, well, you know, you do what you have to do. You think I want to give that speech about Dad at the fundraiser? Sometimes you say you hate your dad to get a good grade or you like him to make some money. Sounds like you’re doing a great job over there. We’re keeping you in.
George Michael: No, I wasn’t...
Michael: Said I don’t want to have a whole discussion about it. Donnie... Oh.
Michael: I guess I owe you an apology... It’s Andy again, isn’t it?
Rocky: Rocky. Andy’s the pig.
Michael: Well you’re not exactly...
Rocky: I’m his stunt double You think I like this? I disgust myself.
George Michael: Let go of my dad you’re going to hurt him.
Rocky: Oh, no, I’m only making it look like that. He’s totally in charge of the situation.
Michael: So what is the problem?
Rocky: Somebody sent my brother Donnie a basket of poison muffins.
George Michael: It could’ve been the Muffin Man. They never caught him.
Michael: How do you know about that?
George Michael: I saw it on Why We Were Scared of the ’70s.
Andy Dick: And whatever happened to the Muffin Man? Remember him? I always pictured a giant six-foot muffin trying to eat me while I was eating him. It’s kind of a fantasy I go to a lot now.
Rocky: And he says you threatened to poison him.
Michael: I was upset. I’d just heard that my son thought I was a horrible father. But, no, I didn’t poison him.
Rocky: Well, if I find out you did... Oh, Andy wants to know, at this dinner, you want him to sing or anything?
Michael: A song would be fantastic.
George Michael: So, Dad, you saw that? I thought you didn’t know what I said about you.
Michael: Well, that wasn’t exactly the truth. But don’t worry, I know you don’t have anything bad to say about me.
George Michael: Well, no, you know what? I think Donnie was right. I just wasn’t digging deep enough. I think I might’ve meant what I said. You never listen to me. You didn’t ask me if I wanted to go to the school, you didn’t ask me about what I said. You threatened my teacher. You don’t respect me. How can I respect you, man?
Narrator: It was a complex situation without an easy solution.
