Faking It
Written by Dean Lorey and Chuck Tatham.
Buster: Not cool, Mom.
George, Sr.: Oh, please, you’d be a lousy attorney. The first piece of evidence against us, you’d run for the hills.
George, Sr.: No, Jan is interested. She carries a lot of weight, and she is not charging us anything.
- George W. Bush
- Franklin is wearing a shirt, “George Bush doesn’t care about black puppets.”
G.O.B.: (As Franklin.) Like to see a whore that does that! (As himself.) Not the carrying the weight part, but... on the other hand, if it’s free.
George, Sr.: She wants us to do a mock trial, sort of a dry run, just to get us ready.
Michael: Well, I guess we could all use some experience in the courtroom. Fine, I’ll go check her out, but I’ll tell you all right now now one is going to lie on that stand.
George, Sr.: And no one is going to betray the family.
Narrator: Buster was nervous.
Buster: (Nervous humming.)
Narrator: That’s what all the rocking and humming was about. And Michael met with Justice TV’s Jan Eagleman who was currently doing a tech rehearsal.
Jan Eagleman: ...for my new show—Judge Reinhold. It’s a reality courtroom show.
Michael: You know there’s an actor by that name, right?
Judge Reinhold: This is what they put me in. Why did I lose all the weight if they’re going to put me in a pool cover?
Michael: I’m sorry. Are you an actual judge?
Judge Reinhold: No, that’s just a coincidence. I read somewhere Judge Judy made $25 million last year, and I’m, like, “Hey, I never even heard of the guy.”
Michael: So you’re doing this because your name is “Judge”?
Jan Eagleman: Honestly, this is the first time I put those two things together.
Judge Reinhold: Maybe we should take “Judge” out of the title and go with my original title Mr. Reinhold’s Courtroom. No, no, no. We’re changing the name.
Jan Eagleman: Thanks, Michael. Got 250,000 talking magazine ads and he wan to change the name.
- Judge Reinhold
- The magazine ad for Judge Reinhold says “This fall... Justice Will Be Done!” and “Airs at 1 pm, 3 pm, 5 pm, 7 pm, 9 pm, 12 am, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am, 8 am & 10 am, and Weekend Marathons.”
Judge Reinhold: (In magazine.) My name is Judge.
Michael: I hear you want to do a mock trial.
Jan Eagleman: Mm.
Michael: Yeah?
Jan Eagleman: And we can do it here on the set. ’Cause I’m looking for Judge Reinhold to have a little practice too.
Michael: Uh-huh.
Jan Eagleman: I’ll be acting as the prosecutor. That way I can see how your family holds up. Families that do well are the ones that stick together.
Michael: Well, that-that’s us. Um... we are going to need a defense attorney, right, for the mock trial and that’s not going to be cheap.
Jan Eagleman: You know the case. Why not you?
Young Michael: / You’re a crook, Captain Hook... /
Michael: Yeah, give me a chance to show my dad what I can do. I’ll-I’ll show him. I’ll make a fool out of him. While sticking together.
Michael: One minute.
Narrator: And that’s when Michael found out his brother Buster was in a coma.
Michael: What happened? How is he?
Lucille: Waiting for the doctor. I just pray it’s one of those things where he’s unconscious throughout the entire trial, and when it’s over, he wakes up and gets a big toy.
Michael: Wait a minute. Are you responsible for this, Mom? Did you put one of your sons into a coma so that he can’t testify?
Lucille: Michael, how dare you? Of course it crossed my mind. But this was all Buster. He got into your brother’s pills.
- Forget-Me-Now
- Michael refers to G.O.B.’s roofies (from Forget-Me-Now) as Forget-Me-Nows.
Michael: Not the Forget-Me-Nows.
G.O.B.: He asked me for them. I didn’t know. I thought he was dating again.
