Faking It
Written by Dean Lorey and Chuck Tatham.
Adelaide: Dr. Farmer, there’s a problem in 302. The patient’s having a bad reaction to the tetracycline.
Dr. Farmer: Tetracycline? Didn’t I say not to give him that? Didn’t you listen to my notes?
- Franklin Comes Alive
- G.O.B. has replaced the doctor’s tape with a tape of Franklin Comes Alive.
G.O.B.: (On recording.) / It ain’t easy being white / / It ain’t easy... /
Lindsay: I’m trying to get on with my life. And you know what? You can’t deal with it.
Tobias: No, I can’t Lindsay.
Lindsay: You’re not interested in me.
Tobias: And you’re not capable of intimacy.
Buster: Well, just fake it! Coma.
Narrator: And, believe it or not, that actually got through to them.
Buster: Now will you please turn on the Cartoon Network and get the hell out of here?
Narrator: And the next day, the mock trial began, as did the mock episode of what had now been renamed...
Ron: Mock Trial With J. Reinhold. Take one. In five, four, three...
William Hung: (Off-key.) / Mock trial with J. Reinhold / / Mock trial / / Mock trial with J. Reinhold / / Mock trial / / Mock trial with J. Reinhold / / Mock trial! /
Bailiff: All rise for acting’s highest honor, Judge Reinhold. (Aside.) Judge Reinhold neither a real judge, nor has he received acting’s highest honor.
Judge Reinhold: Wow. Thank you. That’s the first time I ever got a standing ovation before the show. They’re not clapping.
Jan Eagleman: They don’t in a courtroom.
Baliff: Please be seated.
Narrator: The proceedings got underway, and the Bluths set about pretending they were a family that sticks together.
Jan Eagleman: You never heard anyone in your family discuss plans to either travel to Iraq, or... do business there?
Tobias: Well, I spend so much time making sweet love on my wife, that it’s hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts and..
Jan Eagleman: Your witness.
Michael: I have nothing.
Lucille: Oh, how should I know where the money comes from. I just know where it goes—to taking care of my poor, comatose son. And if this were the real trial, I’d cry here.
Judge Reinhold: I’m saving my good stuff, too.
Michael: I’ve no cross at this time.
George, Sr.: Now this is why you’re not handling my real defense.
Michael: I have one witness, Dad, and he’ll clear everything up.
Narrator: G.O.B. had a little trouble.
Jan Eagleman: State your name.
Judge Reinhold: (Recording.) My name is Judge.
G.O.B.: What kind of name is that, “Magazine”?
Michael: I’m just going to go ahead and jump in right here. I have nothing for him.
Narrator: But now it was Michael’s turn.
George, Sr.: Well, listen, have fun out there, because this is the last time you’re going to see this side of a courtroom till your second wife divorces your freckled ass.
Michael: Look at that, you just blew your wedding speech.
Michael: I’d like to jump right ahead to calling a surprise witness.
Jan Eagleman: Only witnesses on the list.
Michael: Oh, he’s on the list. I would like to call to the stand... Franklin Delano Bluth.
G.O.B.: Franklin? You’re calling Franklin, Mikey?
Michael: I sure am, pal. I support my brother.
Music: / It ain’t easy being white / / It ain’t easy being brown / / You’re my bro / / Not my brother. /
Jan Eagleman: You Honor, this is highly unusual.
