Family Ties
Written by Rob Weiner.
George Michael: What’s that supposed to mean?
Michael: What?
George Michael: Marital love. You were looking right at me, and you said marital love.“ I don’t... Why would I...?
- Model Home
- The marriage certificate lists the address as “1 Lucille Lane.”
Narrator: George Michael was interested because, earlier that day, he’d discovered that the recent mock wedding he’d acted in with his cousin Maeby...
George Michael: We’re married?
Narrator: ...was, in fact, as real and binding as the rice pudding the disoriented patients had thrown at them.
Michael: I was talking to your aunt and uncle.
George Michael: Oh. Oh, of course. They’re married, too. Each other.
G.O.B.: Oh, please. Pity the fool who gives me a bunch of jibber-jabber about romance. My religious girlfriend just dumped me, and for a simple little misunderstanding. I mean, if someone was always asking you to embrace the Holy Trinity, what would you think they meant?
Narrator: G.O.B. thought it meant a three-way.
G.O.B.: What? I thought that’s what all you guys lived for. What about you? You game?
Narrator: Upstairs, George Michael was sharing his news with his cousin.
Maeby: You mean we’re married?
George Michael: No. It’s just a piece of paper. It doesn’t mean anything. I mean...
Maeby: We should shred it. It’s creeping me out.
George Michael: Yeah. Me... But, if we just put it over the dresser, like we think it’s a joke, and we would always know...
Maeby: It is a joke.
George Michael: I know. Unless we get it framed.
Narrator: And Michael went to investigate his mystery sister.
Lucille: Michael! What a surprise.
Michael: Really? Were you expecting somebody else? Maybe, uh... one of your two daughters?
Lucille: Oh, Lindsay and Tobias never visit. (Laughs.) Oh, we’re so bad!
Michael: I... I actually meant Lindsay and Nellie.
Lucille: You call him that, too? It’s so nice to be able to talk like this.
Michael: Where’s Dad? What’s all this?
George, Sr.: Computer stuff from the office.
Michael: No, no. No, no, Pop. You’re not doing another one of those Black Fridays, are you? Your mass firings?
Narrator: Before firing his employees, however, George Sr. had been sure to clear the office of its valuables.
Employee #1: So, when do we get to see our new, fancy office?
George, Sr.: Soon as you get your new, fancy job. You’re all fired.
Narrator: The employees never saw it coming, even though their first task was often to unload computers from a rental truck.
George, Sr.: No, it’s not a Black Friday, although I did enjoy those. No, the prosecution is going to want to have access to the hard drive, so I just want to make sure everything is nice and clean for them.
Michael: What the hell is that thing?
George, Sr.: An electromagnet. Think of it as a giant delete key.
