Written by Rob Weiner.
Narrator: Nothing there.
Narrator: Or there.
Music: / Oh, my. / Oh, my. /
Narrator: Oh, my. Let’s get back to Michael.
Michael: Okay, because it was Joe Namath’s number, Babe Ruth’s number, then my birthday.
Nellie: That is a great story.
Narrator: It wasn’t a great story. Nellie was just a great listener. Most prostitutes are.
Michael: Nellie, the hell with formalities. I think you and I should do business together.
Nellie: Me, too.
Music: / Sha-la-la-la. /
Narrator: Michael had just hired a woman he secretly believed to be his sister.
Michael: How did you get into this line of work?
Narrator: But of course, he’d also yet to figure out she was a prostitute.
Nellie: Well, I was buried in loan debt from business school, so I started whoring myself out.
Narrator: Not that there weren’t clues.
Nellie: What do you say we go up to my room and seal the deal?
Michael: You’re staying here, huh?
Michael: I was actually hoping to get into your business tomorrow and it would give you a chance to meet everybody in the office, you know, because you’re going to be working for the whole staff. You’ll be filling like three openings.
Nellie: Oh. I heard there were a couple of girls like me consulting over at Enron.
Narrator: And so, the next day, Michael introduced his new consultant to his staff, who weren’t that pleased to meet her.
Ted: You hired someone else? We haven’t even been paid yet.
Michael: That’s exactly why I hired her, to help out with the finances. She’s absolutely amazing at that stuff, right? You do do finances and stuff, right?
Nellie: I do all sorts of scenes.
Michael: There you go. Okay, guys, don’t be afraid to put her in any position that you want, okay?
Michael: Dave, you give her access to everything, okay? I want you guys to think of her as Nellie Bluth, all right? In fact, we should probably get an I.D. with that printed on it, okay?
Narrator: But she did have a list of won’ts.
Nellie: We’re gonna have some ground rules first, okay? No bleep bleep bleep or bleep. And no bleep unless you’re wearing a bleep or you bleep bleep. If this winds up on the Web, I will bleep you in the bleep.
Ted: Our computers don’t even work on the Internet.
Nellie: Who’s first?
Narrator: Back at the model home, George Michael was still trying to make his accidental marriage work.
George Michael: Hey, I thought tonight we could pop in bleep...
George Michael: ...in the old DVD player and sit and watch it maybe just the two of us, husband and wife? I’m just kidding. The State of California isn’t, but... You know, that’s what makes it funny.
Maeby: I’m worried you’re taking this too seriously.
George Michael: Just the opposite.
Maeby: What the hell was that?
George Michael: I bought you a wedding ring... tone. Opposite of serious.
Narrator: And Michael was getting an update on how his newest employee, Nellie, was working out.
Michael: (Into phone.) Really? And all the guys like her, huh? That is, that is, that is great. Uh, you mean “away,” though, right? Because otherwise it sounds a little different, but, uh, that’s, uh, that’s outstanding. You forgot to say “away” again. But listen, let me call you back in a bit, okay? Bye. (To Lindsay.) Nellie has blown them all away.
Lindsay: Yeah, well, I think it’s crazy. You’ve given her access to everything— the banking and for what? I mean, you’re basing this whole thing on the fact that she shares a name with someone you played with as a baby.