Michael: Hey, there must be some mistake.
Lindsay: No. Mom confirmed it. And I know you’ve always found me attractive. You’ve been telling me that for the last 40 years.
Michael: Wait, Lindsay. This is crazy.
Lindsay: If I don’t get divorced and remarry in the next month, I’m going to sell those shares, and I’m gonna cash out. So, what do you say?
Narrator: But even Michael couldn’t sell out that much.
Michael: I’m just not that into older women.
Lindsay: You bastard!
Narrator: Michael had just found out his sister was adopted. And the next morning, he awoke to a worse surprise.
Michael: Oh, come on.
Tobias: Well, I can’t sleep in the same room as her. She wants out of this marriage, fine. I-I’m afraid I’m going have to sell the Bluth shares and move on.
Michael: You can’t do that.
Tobias: They’re my shares.
Michael: No, I mean, you can’t spoon me like that.
Michael: We need a new venue for the shareholders’ party, and it cannot be a boat. Now, if you can find something, maybe I can fudge the books, get you a Bluth Company salary, huh? Maybe call you an events coordinator.
Tobias: Can we just lay here for a second while I think about it?
Narrator: Michael was making compromises all over the place.
Tobias: I’ll do it.
Michael: Sounds great.
Narrator: Soon, George Michael went to Ann’s to try to win her back. But her Uncle Paul told him that Ann had moved in with her boyfriend. He also mentioned that we all only had three more weeks on earth, and that fossils were just something the Jews buried in 1924. And so, feeling that he couldn’t go home, George Michael decided to seek out his own creepy uncle, and Michael confronted his mother about the adoption.
Lucille: Look, she was better off with us. He wanted to call her Nellie.
Michael: Of course. Lindsay is the Nellie from the photo. Why didn’t you just tell people that she was adopted?
Lucille: Adopting a child we didn’t want just to stick it to a competitor. Well, that’d make us look great.
Michael: You’re right, Mom. People would have twisted that story to make you look bad.
Lucille: I don’t see what the big deal is. We loved her just as much as any of you normal kids. More than G.O.B.
Michael: The big deal, Mom, is that the family is falling apart. They’re trying to sell their stock, and I can’t promise you that I can keep everyone together until the party.
Lucille: We’ll pay them off. We’ll call it an accrued cash dividend, but they won’t get their money until sign a document at the party promising not to sell for ten years.
Michael: So, it’s embezzlement, bribery and conspiracy?
Lucille: And a whole lot of love.
Michael: Oh, yeah, and perjury.
Tobias: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Hey. Oh.
Tobias: I booked the perfect location and some wonderful performers for the party. We’re having it at the Queen Mary.
Buster: (Gasps.) Queen Mary? That’s a ship!
Tobias: Oh, no, no, no. It’s a chain of popular nightclubs. Although I haven’t been to this particular location. It’s on the Long Beach Harbor.
Buster: That’s the ship.
Michael: Buster, don’t worry about it. They’ve actually welded it to the dock.
Tobias: Although, perhaps I should call the “Hot Cops” and tell them to come up with something more nautically themed. Hot Sailors. Better yet, Hot Seam...
Michael: I like Hot Sailors.
Tobias: Hmm. Me, too.
Narrator: And George Michael was about to come across a hot seaman of his own.