Episode Transcript
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz and Richard Rosenstock.
Revision: 1.10
Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development.
Narrator: Michael was meeting with the company’s accountant, Ira Gilligan.
Ira Gilligan: Anyway, I have gone over this ten different ways and you’re reporting income on an account that... You know, it is just freezing in here.
Michael: Well, the thermostat is in my office and while it’s freezing in here, it’s still hot in there. So, please continue.
Ira Gilligan: There’s basically no money where it should be. I think I’m catching a cold.
Michael: You’re not catching a cold.
Ira Gilligan: I know my body.
Michael: So, there’s no money in the account?
Ira Gilligan: Uh... I’m sorry. This is like the bayou in here.
Michael: Well, I tried to tell you that.
Ira Gilligan: Well, I guess I just had to find out for myself. Anyway... this isn’t the first discrepancy with your father’s books. And with this court case coming up, I just have to warn you, if they ask me to testify, I’m not going to lie.
Ira Gilligan: Please, call me Ira. I don’t like Gilligan.
G.O.B.: Who doesn’t like Gilligan?
G.O.B.: Is it cold in here?
Michael: So, listen, you’ve been married two weeks now. It seems to be sticking. Let’s pretend it’s a good thing. I guess this makes me your best man and I would like to throw you a bachelor party.
G.O.B.: (Laughs.) Yeah, I don’t think she’d go for that. Besides, I talked to Dad. He said it was stupid to get married in the first place. And he’s right. He’s right and I’ve got to get rid of her.
Michael: You know, I said two weeks ago that I thought it was a stupid idea. Suddenly, Dad says it and it’s good advice? You know, you don’t have to do everything Dad says.
G.O.B.: I don’t do everything Dad says. He just happens to be right about this.
G.O.B.: You can help me get rid of her, though. Mom’s having a cocktail party. She’ll be there. You could try and break us up.
Michael: I can’t do that.
G.O.B.: Why not? You did with me and Marta. You had no problem with that, guy. You know what? Lie to her. Tell her that I’m insensitive and unreliable.
Michael: Maybe something about how you can never confront people and you need someone else to clean up your messes.
G.O.B.: See, that’s great... and that’s just off the top of your head.
Tobias: Michael, G.O.B.... I was just in the neighborhood. Good Lord, it is sweltering in here.
Tobias: But anyway, I need your help. If you could possibly... Can we go back to your office, please?
Tobias: I just want to be a family again. I guess what I’m saying is, I want to reunite the band.
Michael: Oh, no.
- Allyn-Crane
- Allyn-Crane is the surname of an Arrested Development fan that sent cookies to the writers. They sent her a nice thank you and a copy of this episode’s script.
Narrator: “Oh, no” was right. In the mid-’90s, Tobias formed a folk music group with Lindsay and Maeby— called Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Life Food Company, a division of ChemGrow, an Allyn-Crane Acquisition, and part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: “We keep you alive.”
All: (Singing.) / And it’s even just a little bit better / / With a Zanotab!
Young Maeby: Zanotab may cause dry mouth, hair loss, an overly alert feeling, and in some cases may diminish your sex drive.
All: (Singing.) / Zanotab! /
Tobias: Well, there’s a Wellness Convention in town, and I thought maybe you could talk Lindsay into joining me up on stage.
Michael: Why don’t you ask her?
Tobias: Oh, I would, but she doesn’t take me seriously.
Narrator: And Michael tried to find the money the accountant said was missing.
George, Sr.: I don’t know. I probably stole it. I mean, if he says it’s missing, it is. Unless he stole it. Hey. Maybe he stole it.
Michael: He’s the one who said it’s missing.
George, Sr.: Yeah, I probably stole it.
