Written by Brad Copeland.
Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s... Arrested Development.
Narrator: Michael Bluth had just been stunned to discover that a contract his company was counting on was being cut back.
Michael: You initially told us to design and build 22 homes. Now you’re saying 18. That’s doesn’t give us enough capital to complete the job. And we’ve already got the blueprints drawn up and everything.
Narrator: Well, that part wasn’t true. But they would have...
Michael: That was a very important phone call!
Lindsay: I don’t have much time, Michael. Tobias is about to walk in here any minute asking for a job, and I need you to hire him.
Michael: Hi, I’m...
Lindsay: Look, it isn’t my idea, it’s his. But I need a break from Mrs. Featherbottom.
Narrator: Since moving out, Tobias had been pretending to be a British housekeeper, as a way to be close to his family. However, his desire to now be discovered as himself was becoming bothersome.
Michael: Can’t you just tell him that you know he’s Mrs. Featherbottom?
Lindsay: Oh, no, no. She’s the only one who can hand wash my delicates.
Michael: Yeah, the real Tobias wouldn’t do that.
Tobias: Wouldn’t do what?
Lindsay: Be Michael’s assistant.
Tobias: That’s what I came down here to ask about. I think you’ll find me more than qualified.
Michael: Well, it’s really not that simple. You’d have to submit a resume...
Michael: Wow, Gobias Industries...
Michael: Right, I remember.
Tobias: ... as in “go buy us...”
Michael: You know what— looks like you might be a little too qualified.
Tobias: Hang on—why don’t you let your new “assistant” take all this down?
Michael: Wow, you’re gung-ho.
Starla: You’re getting a new assistant? Is this because the order was cut back?
Michael: No, but if you are concerned about keeping your job, you might want to focus on keeping unwanted visitors out of my office.
Starla: I have rabies, Michael. You know that. Today was day four of my shots.
Narrator: Starla had been bitten by a well-known music producer’s guard dog.
Ted: Michael, Starla told us about the cutback. You know, a lot of our overhead is tied up in the fact that we are on the top floor of a very expensive building. If we move just one floor lower...
Michael: Ted, everything’s fine. I’ve got it all under control. And nobody needs to move.
Tobias: I’m sorry, Ted?
Tobias: Is it? Ted. Did Ted make an appointment?
Ted: No, I just work down the hall...
Tobias: No. Well, then Ted can get the hell out of this office! You get the hell out! (Kicks chair.) And that’s how you keep out unwanted visitors.
Tobias: Although, if I may, let me take off my assistant’s skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Tobias: The reason that you can’t accept my help is the same reason you can’t hear that gentleman’s idea. Because you have to be in total control of everything. And it’s going to make you sick if you can’t let go.
Michael: Hey, I’m fine.
Michael: Ooh! Ah...