Episode Transcript
Written by Jim Vallely and Mitchell Hurwitz.
Revision: 1.3
Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s... Arrested Development.
Narrator: Michael Bluth was working at home when he noticed something unusual. Michael::That can’t be good.
Okay, I checked underneath and there is a problem. This isn’t a real house.
Michael: It’s a model house.
Dave Williams: Well, the drain pipes aren’t hooked up. They just empty under the house. Plus, there’s a whole lot of blue paint down there.
Michael: And pieces of denim?
Dave Williams: Yeah.
Michael: We’ve got a guy like that here.
Dave Williams: Well, that’s why your living room is sinking. I think the city’s going to have to red-tag it.
Michael: The city is sending out an inspector. They’re going to be crawling over every inch of this place. You’re going to need to leave.
George, Sr.: Well, where the hell do you want me to go, Michael? Back to your mother’s? I believe there’s a freeloading loser in my bed.
Michael: You know, Buster lost a hand, Dad. He’s going through a lot.
George, Sr.: I’m talking about Oscar.
Michael: Oh, yes, your brother. I could see why that would bug you.
Narrator: In fact, Oscar had stayed with Lucille primarily to reconnect with Buster, whom he secretly believed to be his natural son.
Buster: Hey, Uncle. I feel so responsible for that.
Narrator: Oscar had gotten injured on a shoddy device George, Sr. had invented when he forgot that Buster was wearing a prosthetic hand.
Both: (Screaming.)
George, Sr.: The only reason she likes him is he has hair. And the only reason he has any is because he’s never had any stress.
Michael: Yeah, well, you could save me a lot of stress if you just turned yourself in.
George, Sr.: No, never. I can’t go back to the joint. No, I can not... go back there.
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George, Sr.: It’s a hellhole.
Michael: Dad, we finally got the court to try you in absentia. Which means we’re not supposed to have any idea where you are. So you don’t have to go to prison, but you can’t stay here.
Maeby: Hey, do you remember that French movie we tried to sneak into once? You know, Dangerous Cousins?
George Michael: No, I... Why, did we...? Why... I don’t... I don’t remember that.
Narrator: George Michael remembered very well. In fact, he currently had a copy of the DVD hidden in his sock drawer.
George Michael: Kind of. Why do you ask?
Maeby: Well, I got passes to the premiere of the American remake. It’s supposed to be great.
Narrator: It wasn’t great, and Maeby knew it. The studio at which she had finagled the job had hoped to avoid controversy by artlessly explaining that the two leads weren’t biological cousins.
Female Voice In Movie: Shut up and kiss me!
Maeby: Where is everybody?
Mort Meyers: They’ve been fired. And you’ve got to fix this, or you’re going to be fired, too. Cut it down if you have to.
Maeby: But it’s only 71 minutes long.
George Michael: Oh, no, that’s not her kind of thing. I mean, if it maintains any of the complex eroticism of the French original. I like the way they think.
Narrator: And later at the office, Michael had another surprise.
Michael: This can’t be good.
