Written by Karey Dornetto.
Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development.
Narrator: Michael Bluth paid an unexpected visit to his mother.
Michael: You look pretty, Mom.
Lucille: What do you need?
Michael: Need? Why do you think I need something?
Lucille: Well, you’re too busy for us. No one’s seen you. Going on all those dates with Rita. Or should I say... “play dates.”
Narrator: Michael had recently dated a woman he later found out was mentally challenged.
Michael: We’re not seeing each other any more, but it’s for the best. I’m actually kind of relieved it’s over.
Narrator: Actually, Michael had been so devastated by their breakup that he’d even broken out the old guitar.
Michael: / I’ve... / / I... /
George Michael: Maybe you should talk to someone.
Michael: Like my mom?
George Michael: I don’t know, does she play guitar?
Michael: So, can’t a guy call his mom pretty without it seeming strange?
Buster: Amen! And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute!
Michael: I’ve opened a door here that I regret.
Lucille: Oh, he’s just talking about his stupid turtle.
Buster: She has a name, Mother. And it’s “Mother.”
Narrator: Buster had recently brought home a turtle in an incredibly misguided attempt to make his mother jealous.
Buster: You can stay in this box that Uncle/Father Oscar left behind.
Narrator: In fact, it was a box of Oscar’s legally obtained medical marijuana.
Buster: Oh, good, you’ve already got grass.
Narrator: Primo bud. Real sticky weed.
Buster: Although I was getting a little worried because she was moving really slowly last week. And then she stopped. Hmm.
Michael: Yeah, well, in any event, I’m here, Mom, because you need me. As you know, the Bluth Foundation dinner is a week away. I am your co-chair, and we don’t want to relive the “TBA” debacle.
Narrator: Years earlier, the Bluths had a hard time agreeing on a cause for their foundation’s first fund-raiser.
George, Sr.: “Herpes.” “Shrinkage.” Somebody saw Seinfeld last night. “Neck flap.” “Ovarian cancer.” Gee, I wonder who that was. One more for “neck flap.”
Lindsay: Well, I’ll be honest, I haven’t heard anything that beats herpes.
Narrator: So they sent out invitations with the disease still to be announced. And, much to their surprise, the Bluths ended up raising over $25,000 to fight “TBA.” And then— a here’s the really horrible part— they did it again the following year.
G.O.B.: Keep fighting, little guy. With your support of the Bluth Foundation, we’ll live in a galaxy where “TBA” does not exist.
Michael: When people at the last gala found out, we almost had a riot on our hands.
Lucille: Well, you don’t have to worry about anything like that this year, because Warden Gentiles is the new co-chair.
Michael: The guy who ran Dad’s prison?
Lucille: He’s here now installing cameras because of all your father’s escape attempts.
George, Sr.: Uh, yeah, looks like I won’t be going anywhere for a little while. What do I care, huh? I got a beautiful wife, I got a wonderful hobby. Hah— look at me, I’m having the time of my life!
Narrator: His hobby was making papier-mâché copies of his own head.