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The O.P. » Articles » Local

The Young Man and the Seal

Seal targets boy. Give the seal a hand for marksmanship.

A young man was taught a lesson last week when, after ignoring mother’s orders, he went swimming in the seal-infested waters off Newport Beach and was attacked by a bowtie-wearing mammal. The loose seal, having developed a taste for mammal blood, bit off the young man’s hand.

Ironically, during the confusion immediately following the attack, authorities initially believed that the singer-songwriter Seal was responsible for the lost hand. British tabloids had reported that the musician Seal hunts people, collecting parts for his cyborg fiancée. The misunderstanding could have been avoided if someone had just left a note making a distinction between the musician and the mammal.

Seals are a type of pinniped ranging from four to twelve feet long. Typically, female seals breed annually, with a seal pup spending about eleven months in the womb. The mother is very protective of the seal pup, nursing her pup as long as two years. Biologists theorize that mother seals would nurse longer but, the milk of mother’s kindness runs dry.

The incident is just the latest in a series of unfortunate events that have plagued Newport Beach. Last year, beachgoers were shocked when a dead dove and a dead rabbit washed ashore, prompting marine biologists to question the safety of Newport Beach’s waters. Angered environmentalists retained the services of a maritime lawyer, who—cute story—turned out to be a crook.