Diet Craze Linked to “Developing” Crime
Bluth escape aided by controversial weight-loss plan
by: Ph0tog Carbonell
Once-affluent Newport Beach residents, such as the criminally-troubled Bluth family, have said a last huzzah to the South Beach Diet, turning instead, studies show, to the strict “no carb” stance already embraced by most of the living population of Arizona.
Earlier this month, doctors and law enforcement officials admitted that
they lost George Bluth, Sr. during his recovery from an apparent heart
attack likely triggered by the stress of a polygraph test. (It was not
immediately obvious if the “C m-i-n-e-s” he received meant he was
lying to deceiving investigators.) This is but the latest
in a string of suspicious disappearances linked to the beleaguered Bluths.
Previously Milford School founder Earl Milford, Bluth Company board
member Mr. Jordan, Bluth Company accountant Ira Gilligan,
high-school algebra teacher Mr. Vandenbosch, and former Bluth Company
employee Kitty Sanchez all disappeared with the Bluths as prime
Matriarch and mother-of-five Lucille Bluth was quick to state her suspicions that Bluth, Sr.’s medical woes were brought on by dangerous side effects related to the elimination of carbohydrates from his diet, and his reported desire to “stay away from sugar.”
However, research by leading authorities has revealed that 100% of inhabitants of the Bluth Company’s Sudden Valley housing tract were currently following the diet’s deny-thyself teachings as of press time—or, when we bothered to check, or whatever.
Nutrition experts believe that the Bluths haven’t learned their lesson very well, however, citing a report by Bluth Company division Gobias Industries that states people “love to carbo-load,” as well as a willingness by the company’s Orange County-landmark Bluth Bananas to push diet-verboten bananas and chocolates. Nor were any Bluths willing to explain the presence in the family’s mini-mansion of a cooler full of diet soda, the boxes and buckets of juice, or the high-sugar-content cereals concealed within a false turkey.
“Don’t believe everything you see on TV,” warns whistleblower and Sweatin’ to the Oldies diet/fitness guru Richard Simmons, who once shared close-ups with Bluth, Sr. as part of a failed infomercial campaign designed to promote and sell Bluth’s invention, a Ron Popiel-type contraption melding diet-appropriate vegetable product with thick, carbohydrate-laden batter, a combination ultimately deep fried. “That whole family can’t even eat corn—let me finish—balls on this diet.”
Bluth’s fellow inmate and recent Caged Wisdom convert David Ben-Avram (formerly known as “Little Justice”) also expressed concern when questioned about Bluth’s whereabouts following his loss at the hospital. “I don’t know,” Ben-Avram debated, “is it okay for him to have unleavened bread on high holy days?”
Branded the “Light Reason” Diet by critics who cite impaired judgment experienced by those following the weight loss plan, even Hollywood’s in a stew about the strictures demanded by the no-carb regimen. “Now, no bread,” former big-screen Apollo Creed, Carl Weathers cautions, “that’s no way to be. You got your Red Lobster, they’re gonna bring you some garlic cheese bread—hot! You got your Olive Garden, they’re gonna bring you unlimited garlic bread sticks. Free! You cut out bread, you cut out two-thirds of your complimentary food items. It’s just not a smart trade-off.”
When approached for comment on the possible link between the diet and Bluth, Sr.’s disappearance, Bluth chief council, Barry Zuckerkorn (according to his office, no relation to The Low-Carb Gay, Bi, and Transgender Diet author B.J. Zuckerkorn) refused comment, as he was on his way to the City of Industry to pursue pro bono work.
Guards at the facility in which Bluth was detained up to his escape, though unwilling to touch the subject, were willing to share the diet’s strict, “No Bees” policy: “No Bread, No Bananas, No Beer.” Breakouts, it would seem, are another matter entirely.
Additional reporting by Sophomore Tracy Schwartzman.