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Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution
Boston is gearing up for its first-ever Democratic National
Convention, but this is not the first time Boston has hosted a national
convention. Unless you’re a human metronome, you may not realize that
it was eight years ago—back before people had ever heard of W.M.D.’s, Saddam
Hussein, or September 11th—that for one glorious day, Boston
hosted the Wellness Convention,
a celebration of wellness through medication that culminated with a
performance by Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution.
fronted by Dr. Tobias Fünke, exemplified the era’s happy-go-lucky
attitude with lyrics such as “And it’s even just a little bit better
with a Zanotab!” Tobias was joined on stage by his wife Lindsay and
his daughter Maeby.
But since that one glorious day, things slowly spiraled out of control
for the Fünkes and The Solution. Lindsay became addicted to Zanotab
and spent so much time whacked on pills that she lost all
connection with the real world—at times, totally
oblivious to her own daughter’s actions. Tobias withdrew from the world as
well, focusing on the man inside him. Maeby turned to a life of
petty crimes, from shoplifting, to breaking and entering, to scamming
local restauranteurs over “found” rodent parts.
There would be a price to pay for all of this turmoil. One dark
afternoon, the strain finally
caught up with Tobias, who lost his tenuous grasp on reality, and,
without realizing it, gave a man CPR. The man didn’t even need it. The
medical community finally had enough, and revoked Tobias’ medical license.
Tobias was forced to leave Boston in shame, dragging his wife and
daughter across the country to the only place that would
accept such a band of outcasts: Los Angeles.
Once there, the Fünkes took up residence with Lindsay’s twin brother,
Michael, who became a calming influence on the troubled family. Tobias
followed his dream, and, today, is still attempting to break into the business of
show under the tutelage of one Carl Weathers. Lindsay is no longer
addicted to prescription drugs, and is making every effort to become a
productive member of society once again—trying her hand at various jobs
such as being a commericial pitchwoman, a shopgirl, and selling
bees beads. And while other show-business children
have been mired in trouble, Maeby has managed to turn it around,
maturing beyond her years after spending months at the bedside of
her newfound twin sister, Surely Fünke, who, alas, lost her struggle
with B.S. last month.
The Fünkes did attempt to reunite for this year’s Wellness Convention
in Los Angeles, but the music attitude in the country had changed in
the intervening years. People no longer wanted to hear the bubble-gum
pop music of The Solution, with such bland lyrics as “There’s no ‘I’ in
Teamocil, at least not where you’d think.” America had become more
demanding, refusing to accept insipid lyrics from anyone other than
impossibly beautiful young things defined by their large breasts,
outlandish hairdos, and an utter incoherence in public. America had
embraced Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and Oscar Bluth.